RISHI Sunak’s new mortgage scheme could help younger people become smug homeowners. Here first-time buyer Charlotte Phelps is just f**king unbearable about it.
It must be hell for people struggling to raise a deposit, or trapped in a vicious circle of exorbitant rent. But now I’m on the property ladder, you can go f**k yourselves.
My boyfriend Dan and I have decided to unashamedly bore everyone shitless with our owning-a-house crap. And if you don’t like it, maybe your parents should have got better jobs so they can ‘lend’ you a massive deposit.
There’s just so much to talk about, from property prices in general, which will depress you if you’re not a homeowner, to specifics like buying a mixer tap, which I can happily discuss for 45 minutes.
I’ve started rudely changing the subject of Zoom chats to our new house, but when things get back to normal I’m envisaging people slitting their wrists at dinner parties or hurling themselves through pub windows to get away from our brain-killing house chat.
Am I a sadist? Perhaps, but maybe I’m just lucky to have such a wonderful house. ‘I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful house,’ I frequently say to my friend Liz who can’t afford one. She’s actually a selfish cow because she should be happy for me instead of looking sad.
I always said I wouldn’t become a property bore like my parents, but it’s really enjoyable. So let’s talk about my vague and uninteresting plans for an extension, or you can f**k off.