We're buying a house so f**k you

RISHI Sunak’s new mortgage scheme could help younger people become smug homeowners. Here first-time buyer Charlotte Phelps is just f**king unbearable about it.

It must be hell for people struggling to raise a deposit, or trapped in a vicious circle of exorbitant rent. But now I’m on the property ladder, you can go f**k yourselves.

My boyfriend Dan and I have decided to unashamedly bore everyone shitless with our owning-a-house crap. And if you don’t like it, maybe your parents should have got better jobs so they can ‘lend’ you a massive deposit.

There’s just so much to talk about, from property prices in general, which will depress you if you’re not a homeowner, to specifics like buying a mixer tap, which I can happily discuss for 45 minutes. 

I’ve started rudely changing the subject of Zoom chats to our new house, but when things get back to normal I’m envisaging people slitting their wrists at dinner parties or hurling themselves through pub windows to get away from our brain-killing house chat.

Am I a sadist? Perhaps, but maybe I’m just lucky to have such a wonderful house. ‘I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful house,’ I frequently say to my friend Liz who can’t afford one. She’s actually a selfish cow because she should be happy for me instead of looking sad. 

I always said I wouldn’t become a property bore like my parents, but it’s really enjoyable. So let’s talk about my vague and uninteresting plans for an extension, or you can f**k off.

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Having a bath and other 'relaxing' experiences that are actually a massive faff

HAD a stressful day and looking to unwind? You’ll soon find these supposedly enjoyable activities are hugely overrated.

Having a bath

Seems nice in theory but in reality you’ll run out of hot water halfway through filling the bath. As you sit in increasingly tepid water you’ll realise you’re actually quite bored. You’ll also find it impossible to read a book without soaking it and drop your new iPhone in the tub.

Listening to whale song

The main problem is that whale song isn’t music for humans like, say, Duran Duran. Also it’s likely to remind you of gruesome reports of Japanese whaling, and you’ll soon be depressed about how we’re destroying the natural world. Worst of all, you’ll realise you’ve become the type of twat that listens to whale-song. 

Going for a walk

Not so relaxing during a pandemic when you have to be constantly alert to avoid other pedestrians, heavy-breathing joggers and teenagers who don’t care about Covid. And if you live in a dreary town, your only reward will be a scenic view of the local Parcelforce warehouse.

Having a massage

If you have a proper massage you’re essentially handing over huge sums of money to have a musclebound personal trainer inflict pain on you while criticising your posture and lifestyle. The alternative is to have your partner awkwardly hunch over you and prod at your back while getting bored.

Light some candles

What could be more relaxing than creating a fire hazard in your own home? Also, pound for pound, scented candles are more expensive than gold, so they’re a great way of feeling guilty and stressed about wasting your money.