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'We've only had five holidays since all this started' says tragic middle class family

AN unfortunate middle-class family has only managed a handful of expensive holidays since the pandemic began.

Since March 2020 the unlucky Cook family from North London have struggled to reach their full complement of exclusive foreign trips, making do with just the odd jaunt to France, Spain, Croatia, Italy or the Caribbean.

Father Julian Cook said: “The last year has been tough on everyone. But especially on my wife Fran, the kids and me. I mean, we haven’t lost anyone close – but all those air miles I’ve missed out on feels like a bereavement.

“At times my family and I have practically been prisoners in our own home, or in our second home in Provence or occasionally a villa in Tuscany.

“We haven’t even managed our trip to the Swiss Alps this year and skiing is essentially a basic human right.

“It’s the kids I feel worst for. We haven’t been able to take our daughter on her yearly trip to Disneyland. Plus, our son had to deal with all the stress of getting his GCSE grades after only a quick fortnight on Mustique.”

With the money they have saved this year, the Cooks plan to spend an entire month travelling Europe being completely unbearable in 2022.

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How to wean your parents off the Daily Mail

THE Daily Mail is is unquestionably the worst, most vindictive newspaper out there, but your parents still insist on buying it every day. Here’s how to wean them off it.

Buy them puzzle books

‘I only get it because I like the puzzle pages’ your mum bleats when you tackle them about how appalling the Mail is. Buy them a variety of puzzle books and magazines so they no longer have a reason to keep buying it. Even though you’re plotting like Machiavelli, you’ll look like the world’s most thoughtful child.

Intercept the delivery

Stand outside their front door at 6am, looking as if you’re just leaving for work. When the paperboy arrives, he’ll assume it’s your house and hand the paper to you. Then throw it in the bin. If your disappointed parents ask you to pop to the shops for them and get a copy, tell them they were sold out so you picked up a Guardian instead.

Get a rival paper delivered

Slowly indoctrinate them into real life by paying to get something less rabidly right-wing delivered. So any other newspaper really. Start off with the Daily Telegraph, before moving on to the Independent, the Guardian and then the Morning Star. Soon, they’ll be reciting Karl Marx and singing ‘The Internationale’ while baking cakes to give to workers on picket lines.

Ask for charity donations for Christmas

The Mail spoon-feeds your parents hatred against Europeans, Meghan Markle, teachers, students, remoaners, poor people, and basically everyone. Show them it’s okay to be nice to other people by asking that instead of a birthday present, you’d like a donation to a charity that helps people in need.

Use statistics

Thanks to the Daily Mail, your parents believe gangs of illegal immigrants are roaming the streets at night, waiting to break into their house and murder them. Use actual statistics and gradually get them used to the idea that in the past 50 years, not one Daily Mail reader has been murdered in their bed by a gang of illegal immigrants.

Threaten to disown them

As a last resort, threaten to never speak to them again if they continue buying the Mail. They’ll soon back down when they realise they will no longer be able to ask you to fix their computer or mow their lawn. They might cut you out of their wills as revenge, but it would be worth it to get two fewer Mail readers.

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