BEING in love is wonderful, but not when you affect the wellbeing of those around you by uttering these nauseating phrases:
‘You complete me’
You are a beautiful human jigsaw puzzle and this new relationship completes the picture of you. However it’s a phrase that’s enough to make you barf, and soon you may want to be part of a less needy jigsaw puzzle.
‘Our love is eternal’
It’s a beautiful sentiment, but a massive lie. There’s a strong chance that after going on holiday with your partner you’ll discover they are f**king weird, like your strange Uncle Kevin who collects beermats or snobby Aunt Petunia.
‘We never argue’
Glossing over potential disputes is the classic mistake all new couples make. Wait until the snoring and not setting the TV volume to the right level become an issue. The festering anger will one day produce a four-letter fireworks display your friends will buy front-row seats for.
‘Everything makes sense when we’re together’
During the mind-fog of the early days of a relationship your lack of compatibility can be ignored. Then your partner starts wearing a hat in public, and nothing makes sense again.
‘I can’t breathe without you’
You were breathing perfectly well before the love of your life came along. And now you believe they provide the oxygen that fuels your existence. Get a f**king grip and just say ‘I really like you’.