What are the arseholes in the Airbnb next door doing today?

AIRBNBS are rapidly becoming less of a cheap holiday solution and more of a party house nightmare for the neighbours. So what are the dickheads next to you up to?

Breaking the toilet 

Bad guests will always break the toilet. How, or indeed why, is a mystery. Maybe you don’t know how good it feels until you try it? Try booting the seat off your own toilet and see if it gives you an amazing buzz or immense sense of satisfaction.

Texting their teenage mates

Teenage boys staying in an Airbnb will invite girls they want to shag plus back-up options. Not understanding the concept of exponential growth, they’ll soon have 400 pissed teens trashing the place, including some yobs no one knows who’ll steal the original middle-class teenagers’ iPhones and make them cry, in an act of blatant criminality you quite approve of, frankly.

Planning a visit to a local pottery museum 

Oops, no, that’s the earnest Guardian-reading couple and their bored children your neighbours almost rented the house to. The gang of 20-year-old lads currently next door have an equally busy itinerary of being hungover, clubbing, getting blackout drunk, arguing with a cab driver at 2am and punching a hole in the lounge door.

Trashing the kitchen 

Why not? They’re only staying a week and there’s enough plates to last that long even if you just smash them.

Sticking f**king execrable music on

All music is annoying when it’s blasting through the wall, but even so, you’re not going to hear classic Zep or a bit of finely-crafted pop by XTC. The playlist is: shit techno, shit r’n’b, or shit dubstep. If you go round and ask them to ‘turn it down a bit’ you’ll be hit by a near-solid wall of cannabis smoke and realise basic communication is going to be impossible.

Live hot tub sex shows

If your neighbours have an outdoor hot tub, less classy airbnb guests will soon be f**king in it. Not really a problem if you’re a creepy voyeur, but somewhat off-putting if you’re just creosoting the fence. Being twats, they’ll probably invite you to hop in and have a beer, but since you’re not a fan of sitting in vats of fizzy spunk, you politely decline.

Spending the day in an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty 

You’ve totally misjudged them, they’re off for a wholesome day in the countryside! Actually you haven’t – it’s just a good place to smoke weed, leave Budweiser bottles and, at the height of summer when the grass is tinder-dry, abandon a disposable barbecue.

Getting their stomach pumped

As an ambulance takes away an absolutely shitfaced teenage girl, you ask yourself what on earth their parents were thinking. The answer, if you’d thought about it, is not spending time with their f**king annoying offspring.

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Special birthday sex just as disappointing as regular sex

A MAN is in a state of deep disappointment after months of build-up to ‘birthday sex’ resulted in bog-standard intercourse.

Martin Bishop was sure girlfriend Nikki Hollis had heavily implied during the previous year that they would be embarking on a debauched sexual journey that would break several taboos.

However, feeling bloated after a heavy birthday meal – including a large portion of red berry meringue roulade – Bishop and Hollis had mundane sex that could have taken place on any day of the year.

Bishop said “What happened was our usual routine intercourse, which, while functional, would not be a smash hit with Pornhub viewers.

“Unless you have a fetish for watching tired, uninspiring intercourse. Fair enough if you do. I’m not about to kink-shame anyone after that pedestrian humping without even any doggystyle.”

Hollis was disappointed but unsurprised by the mundane porking, and was quick to deny she had promised the birthday was ever going to be some sort of erotic magic carpet ride.

She said: “I’m certain I didn’t say anything about special birthday sex. I think it’s something he heard about on a podcast and just assumed would happen.

“We’re Nikki and Martin, we’re limp shaggers, it’s our thing. Martin needs to stop trying to be someone he’s not. You know, someone who experiences satisfying orgasms.”