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Sunny Delight turns you orange, and other pre-internet panics that seem wholesome now

BEFORE the internet gave us a bounteous supply of porn, violence and conspiracy theories, we had to have societal freak-outs about other things. Like these.

Sunny Delight

When Sunny Delight arrived in the UK in the 90s we were so excited to have a little taste of California in our dreary British fridges. However, after a four-year-old girl turned yellow from the carotene colouring after drinking 1.5 litres of synthetic goodness, everyone wanted to ban it. Luckily we didn’t have social media then, or conspiracy theorists would have been convinced Big Orange Juice was trying to kill us all.

The ‘You’ve been Tango’d’ advert

People were deeply upset by a guy drinking a can of Tango being slapped by a bald man painted orange, and offered grave warnings about children giving each other perforated eardrums. Which seems incredibly quaint now that children can swap videos of beheadings, or join forums for men who think not getting a shag justifies acts of terrorism. Or just straightforwardly kill yourself with a TikTok challenge to drink a litre of weedkiller.

Monica Lewinsky

American presidents having affairs is never good, except maybe from John F Kennedy’s perspective, but with Clinton and Lewinsky we only heard about it in newspapers and TV bulletins, thus keeping the coverage at an almost sane level. Nowadays there’s wall-to-wall coverage online, and we all know an awful lot more about Donald Trump’s adventures with Stormy Daniels, and that alleged piss tape, than we could ever want to. Oddly, it’s another incident involving an orange man, although being Tangoed is infinitely preferable to attending a watersports soiree with The Donald.

Rave culture

The government, the press, your parents – absolutely everyone lost their shit over rave culture, ecstasy and ‘music with a repetitive beat’. Society was going to crumble thanks to people dancing, taking questionable Es and paying £5 for a can of Red Stripe in a warehouse. Imagine if that moral panic had been exacerbated by Twitter. Armed police would be raiding every house with someone under the age of 30 looking for dangerous downloads of ‘We Call It Acieed’.

The Pamela Anderson sex tape

If you’ve grown up in the era of being able to see the most disturbed porn imaginable at the click of a button, it’s hard to imagine the outraged shock that greeted a video tape of a woman having normal, consensual sex with her husband. In fact, it seems kind of cute, which isn’t something you can say about a clip entitled ‘Anal Bukkake Gangbang’.

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Everyday things women claim to be better at but it's bollocks, by a man

WOMEN claim to be better at everything which is sexist, patronising and above all a filthy lie, argues man and husband Tom Logan:

Buying presents

They’re meant to be good at buying presents, but then just get you a jumper or a book or something. Ask them to pick you a PS5 game or a quality air-rifle and they haven’t got a clue. Come back when you can differentiate between ride-on mowers, ladies.

Being supportive after a split

Women talk for hours about what went wrong and ‘feelings’. But research into combat veterans found reliving traumatic events can make you feel worse. When a man says to a friend in the pub, ‘Plenty more fish in the sea, Steve. Get a round in and stop whinging’, it’s actually a sensitive and effective psychological coping strategy.

Multi-tasking

They’re excellent at this if ‘banging on about multi-tasking’ counts as a skill. In reality it’s piss-easy. I can cook dinner, look after the kids, watch TV and pop out for fags no problem. Okay, the odd child may get lost but mostly they turn up unharmed with a bag of chips and 20 Superkings.

Remembering birthdays

Yeah, women are better at this – because they cheat and use a little notebook with flowers on it. Let’s see how many they’d remember just using their brain. None. Stop playing on easy mode, women.

They’re good with personal problems

They’re listening, but only because they love secrets, conflict and drama, like EastEnders. Try them on real stuff like Everton flirting with relegation and they don’t want to know. I told my wife and did she sit there nodding away with a sombre face on, like the emotional vampire she is? Did she f**k.

Not crashing cars

Let’s lay this myth to rest. Women have fewer car accidents not because they’re better drivers but because they lack the competitive edge to enter into a high-speed duel and floor it just to beat that prick in a BMW. If women did 60mph round a tight bend to the sound of The Prodigy’s Roadblox they’d put their car in a ditch too.

Setting boundaries for children

Whenever you see a child having a tantrum in the street or screaming for sweets in Sainsbury’s, who’s looking after them? That’s right – Mum. Because Dad’s stayed at home, being an excellent role model who sensibly avoids conflict.

Investing

Women play it safe. Men know a worthwhile investment has astronomical odds that mean you never have to work again. That’s why I’ve got £1,500 on Supersonic Laddie in the 3.30 at Cheltenham at 999/1. My wife won’t be complaining when she gets a Porsche for her birthday. Whenever that is. Shit, I hope it’s not tomorrow.

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