What shit are you buying to cheer yourself up?

BORED of all this? Go online and buy yourself a morale-boosting treat that you won’t want by the time it arrives. But what? 


We’ve all got to exercise, and it’s pretty much the only time most of us are outside, so basically the entire spectrum of fashion is reduced to trainers. And now they’re for exercise all those breathable uppers and air-cushioned soles and all the other bollocks are totally justified, so don’t skimp.

Fancy booze

So bored of drinking you’re at the cocktail stage? It takes more than just a shaker; you’ll need a cocktail cabinet stocked with stuff like amaretto, Angostura bitters and Blue Curacao. Order the lot, have a crazy night, remember the throbbing hangover for the rest of your life and never touch them again.

Bath crap

You need to relax. So an insanely expensive basket of bath oils, scented candles and skincare products has been delivered for the ultimate home spa experience. But after an hour stewing in a steaming bath, you realise what’s stressing you out: it’s this global pandemic, which a nice bath can’t cure.


There’s never been a better time to build up your vinyl collection. Replace the albums you used to have on cassette with vinyl, the albums you had on CD with vinyl, and the albums you used to have on vinyl with better vinyl. Then look at their covers while you stream.

Increasingly elaborate garden stuff

Your garden’s where you’ll be holidaying this summer, so spare no expense. Get fancy new chairs, a fire pit, strings of solar lights and an outdoor stereo system. Then stay in because the weather’s shit and the telly’s better than a sunset anyway.

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'We will hunt you down like dogs' is new slogan of Welsh Tourism Board

THE Welsh Tourism Board has launched a new campaign warning English people that if they cross the border they will be hunted down by irate locals. 

The campaign replaces last year’s ‘Find Your Epic’ with a tagline reminding the English that lockdown is continuing in Wales and if they go there for a picnic it will be their last.

A spokesman said: “Normally we’re showing off the Welsh coastline or our mountains but this year we’ve decided to highlight angry local people chasing visitors with sticks.

“Over a marvellous shot of the Brecon Beacons we’ve got a voiceover by Matthew Rhys saying that any day-trippers setting foot in this glorious principality will never see daylight again.

“He explains over the soaring soundtrack of a male voice choir that we have never forgiven you for the murder of Owain Glyndwr anyway, so any weekend breaks will be marred by brutal mob justice.”

Wayne Hayes of Bristol said: “If they don’t want visitors why not simply use footage of Port Talbot? Far more effective.”