Football fans allowed to switch teams, FA announces

FOOTBALL authorities have declared a supporting amnesty for the next 12 days during which fans can switch team without penalty. 

The Premier League, Championship and English Football League have agreed that, in this once-in-a-lifetime situation of paused football, fans can drop their lifelong affiliations and support a club that wins sometimes instead.

Bradford City fan Martin Bishop said: “After 46 years my suffering is over. I was indoctrinated into supporting the Bantams when I was a child, condemned to a lifetime of fourth-tier football by my own father.

“But now I can switch to supporting Chelsea and actually watch some decent f**king football and even experience the thrill of winning.”

Manchester United fan Roy Hobbs said: “I’m actually a nice, generous person, but everyone assumes I’m a loathsome monster because of my team affiliation.

“I’ve won enough in my time. I’m going to spend my retirement as a virtuous Barnsley supporter.”

The plan faces legal objections from Mike Ashley, whose £300m deal to sell Newcastle United is expected to founder now they have no supporters whatsoever.

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Should you book a cruise or read the news?

IN the current crisis, it’s hard to know whether to book a holiday or to do a minuscule amount of research into quite how up shit creek the world is at the moment. Here’s how to figure it out.

You’ve been looking forward to a rest

Have you been desperate for some time out all year? Wouldn’t it be unfair if you, having pretended to work very hard from home during lockdown, miss out on your chance to reset?

It might, however, be worth perusing the headlines to see the kind of relaxing breaks on offer, such as: no hotels, no shagging the locals and the whole two weeks spent in your destination country’s mandatory quarantine.

You need some sunsets for the ‘gram

Social media pressure can be a strong motivator for travel, and if it is the key driver in your life then definitely go on holiday. How can you keep your 97 followers happy if they don’t get to look at what passes for your abs by a pool?

Due to it not being a good idea to spread deadly virus across international borders, you’ll probably have to scale your sunsets back from Palm Beach to Padstow. And even then it’s likely that irate locals will drive you out with pitchforks like a pound shop Gordon Ramsay.

You fancy an adventure

If like millions of people you think a change of scenery will lift you out of your pandemic-induced misery, book a holiday somewhere far-flung and exotic. Apparently Brazil is great this time of year.

Or you could read the news and discover a whole new adventure awaiting you, in the form of your COVID-ravaged corpse being repatriated after a six-month wait in a temporary beach morgue. You could do it for the likes, but it’s doubtful you’ll get any.