Where should babies be allowed? Two unreasonable idiots debate

MP Stella Creasy has sparked a debate about taking your baby to work. Here self-righteous mum Donna Sheridan and child-hater Roy Hobbs exchange unhelpful views.

Donna: As a proud mum, I don’t just think babies should be allowed in the workplace when necessary – it should be compulsory. It’d save me a fortune on childcare, and everyone except heartless bastards loves my screaming bundles of joy as much as I do.

Roy: Taking your baby everywhere has gone too far. Kids should be seen and not heard, and not seen either. They should be kept indoors under lock and key and only allowed outside when they’re 18. And then only for short periods.

Donna: Babies need the stimuli of the outside world to develop properly – sitting in a train quiet carriage, going for a meal in an expensive restaurant, being annoying in the pub all evening. It’s the only way they’ll learn how prejudiced society is against mums and babies.

Roy: Babies can’t think, they’re more like vegetables. You could probably just water them. I never gave my kids any stimulation and they turned out fine, apart from the counselling and Simon’s regular stays in prison.

Donna: Mums should be able to breastfeed wherever they like – in the park, in a crowded lift, while driving on the motorway. Anything else is a breach of human rights, and Amnesty should prosecute for torture.

Roy: I don’t want huge, milk-engorged breasts rammed in my face all the time. Except when I’ve spent a phenomenal amount of time on Pornhub and I’m forced to watch something different even if it’s a bit weird. 

Donna: If people don’t like the sound of babies crying, requiring constant attention and making disgusting smells, maybe they shouldn’t be at the cinema. Just saying. 

Roy: If parents can’t make sure their babies remain completely silent all the time and never take them to any public place they should be confiscated and raised in a state ‘baby camp’. I’m not being callous, you could give them a goldfish to take their mind off it.

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Woman lying next to man after first shag wondering how soon she can dump him

A WOMAN who has just finished a tragically bad first shag with her new boyfriend is wondering if breaking up with him tonight would be too soon.

Lucy Parry had been on five dates with Oli O’Connor and found him to be funny, thoughtful and intelligent, only to discover he is terminally crap in bed.

She said: “Wow. I mean I’ve had bad sex before obviously, I’m a woman, but that has set the bar at a new low.

“The foreplay, the technique, the equipment itself and most of all the sheer brevity. All that time getting to know him for two minutes of uncoordinated fumbling and 40 seconds of frenzied pumping.

“We’d had five brilliant dates and I’d started to think that this was it, but there’s no future in it. It’d make more sense to shag on the first date. Then you know you’re not wasting your time.

“Can I dump him now? Or first thing tomorrow? Would it be polite to go on another date first? But what if he wants to do it again? Best to creep out and ignore his texts. That always works when blokes do it to me.”

O’Connor said: “Lucy was amazingly quiet after we’d done the deed. Coming back down to Earth after that incredible experience, I guess. Happens to all my girlfriends.”