'Who on earth has six mates?' man wonders

A MAN who only has four friends is wondering what sort of person would be so popular that limiting gatherings to six people would be a problem.

Martin Bishop, 45, has had a maximum of five friends in his life, and only enjoys the company of more than six people at work, weddings and funerals.

Bishop said: “My current friends are Pete, Roger, Gerard and Emma. Who are these people with more than six friends? Lady Gaga?

“I’m deliberately not counting my wife as a friend, because that would be cheating. In any case, four friends is plenty, although Gerard’s technically my postman. We have some great chats about Royal Mail parcel deliveries though. 

“I had another friend called Kevin in primary school but we lost touch when we were eight. I was at my most popular in secondary school when I knew a John and a Gary, because we all sat at the same table in form period.

“If you ask me these people with seven, eight or nine friends don’t have proper friendships at all. It’s just collecting friends like weirdos collect butterflies. Pretty pathetic really. 

“The thing is, I’m discerning. If you don’t share my passion for Airfix models of tanks and craft ale then I’m just not that into you.”

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How to enjoy Freshers' Week from your childhood bedroom: a guide for students

JUST because universities are moving online doesn’t mean you can’t have a debauched Freshers’ Week. Here’s how to kick off your university experience from your childhood bedroom at your parents’ house.

Go on a Zoom pub crawl

This is just like a regular pub crawl, only without pubs. Instead you’ll be drinking in front of a laptop camera while you listen to a bunch of strangers talk about their A-level results. Maybe trudge to a different corner of your room every now and then to get that pub crawl feeling.

Pin up predictable posters

Freshers’ Week is traditionally a time to shed your insufferable teenage personality for a new but equally awful one. A quick way to do this is to hang up generically alternative posters of the Joker or Jimi Hendrix to show just how edgy you are. If you want to pass yourself off as a horny intellectual like Oscar Wilde, go for a Gustav Klimt poster.

Only eat takeaway food

To feel like a fresher you need to eat like a fresher. That means a diet of kebabs, pizzas and curries, which, combined with not walking to lectures, clubbing and so on, will soon make you dangerously obese. Don’t worry though, the blubber will sustain you through years of living on nothing but beans on toast once you’ve frittered your grant.

Let your laundry pile up

Even though there’s a perfectly functional washing machine in your parent’s house, purposefully ignore it until you finally decide to hand over three months’ worth of your smelly pants to your mum in a bin bag at Christmas. She’ll be overjoyed to finally experience this repulsive rite of university passage.

Phone a sex line

Awkward and unsatisfying sexual encounters are par for the course for freshers, and dialling a sex line is the perfect way to recreate them. On top of the feelings of guilt and emptiness you’ll be left with, you’ll also have the added thrill of explaining a sky-high phone bill to your parents.