Why your boxes in the loft are precious but your partner's are useless crap

YOUR partner’s boxes of crap should be chucked to free up space in the loft, whereas yours must be kept and treasured. Here’s why:

Your Lego will be worth a fortune one day

You kept your Lego because you knew it would eventually be worth something. Yes, it currently appears to sell for less than a fiver, but, as you assure your partner, it’s all about waiting for the right time on eBay. It will never come, but pretending it will means you can keep secretly playing with it whenever you nip up for a suitcase.

Your partner’s GCSE art coursework was crap

She got a B so she insists on keeping it, even though you can’t tell whether that crappy pastel still life is of a bowl of fruit or a taxidermied ferret. You’re also secretly a bit frightened of the self-portrait, which has a psychopathic stare that you don’t like to associate with the mother of your children.

Your politics essays were a work of undiscovered genius

One day, someone might find these essays and sit reading them, enthralled by the maturity and insight of your 18-year-old self. What will actually happen is that your kids will burn them on a bonfire after you’re dead without even taking a cursory glance.

You look quite good in your old photos

These photos are physical, irrefutable proof that you did not always have a bald spot. However, your partner’s photos appear to feature a series of sexy, smiling ex-boyfriends in sunny locations, and will definitely be finding their way under the drip in the corner of the roof.

One day you’ll find a way to play those old tapes

You’ve been promising yourself for the last decade that you’ll find a way to play that Now 13 tape, because you’ve got such fond memories of it. You never will, and that’s a good thing because listening to a hissing, tinny recording of A Groovy Kind of Love by Phil Collins will remind you that the 80s were largely shit.

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Married couples more awkward after sex than one-night stands

MARRIED couples who have unexpectedly had sex are more awkward the next morning than total strangers, they have confirmed.

Studies found that couples who met between three and six hours before ramming their genitalia into each other could make breezy conversation the next morning, while couples who had been together for between three and 40 years were silent for up to a week.

Dr Helen Archer said: “When you don’t know someone’s name before going to town on their most intimate parts with your mouth, you’re able to shrug off the embarrassment. After all, you’re never going to see them again.

“But when you know everything from the name of their first hamster to their taste in wallpaper, it makes meeting their eye after having brought them to orgasm mortifying. How can you discuss parents’ evening with someone who came in you last night?

“The halting conversation and inward cringing can last for months. It’s no wonder married couples only have sex once a year. If that.”

Ryan Whittaker of Peterborough said: “My wife and I did it in March, and since then every conversation’s seemed like awkward, elephant-in-the-room avoiding small talk. The silences are agonising.

“By contrast I did the barmaid at my local in the alley where they stack the kegs last week, and our conversation’s flowed as if it never happened.”