A WOMAN who spent over £300 on a new vacuum cleaner does not mind admitting that using it is more satisfying than any sex she has ever had in her life.
Francesca Johnson, who recently purchased the Dyson Cyclone V10 Animal, says it is bringing her more pleasure than even the best shag in the world could ever hope to.
Johnson said: “I find everything about it utterly thrilling, including its wildly masculine name which sounds like something from a Clint Eastwood film. My husband’s just called Colin, so he can’t even begin to compete.
“It’s powerful, versatile, almost silent and hardly takes up any space, which is basically everything I could want in a man, plus it cleans the house without making a massive fuss about it.
“Perhaps getting excited about being able to smoothly glide the head into a small space sounds ridiculous, but it’s much more gratifying than any of the times I’ve attempted to do that with a human being.
“If I could elope with it and get married, I would. Maybe it’s legal in somewhere like Thailand. That’s one for Google.”
Husband Colin said: “Does this mean I can finally marry my Black & Decker Workmate who I’ve effectively been having an affair with for 15 years?”