Woman believes she can get ready in 15 minutes despite lifetime of evidence to contrary

A WOMAN is convinced she can be ready to leave the house in 15 minutes despite never once doing so in her entire adult life.

Emma Bradford has been late for every occasion in her 39 years of life due to her steadfast belief that showering, choosing an outfit, getting dressed, putting on make-up and finding her bag takes 15 minutes all in.

Partner Steve Malley said: “Emma is otherwise a highly intelligent person, but she’s got this blind spot. She believes time bends around her when she’s getting ready to go out, and that an hour and 45 minutes is 15 minutes max.

“And this is despite being alive for almost four decades and having to get herself ready for the vast majority of that time. She can honestly spend a full quarter-hour sitting on the bed in a towel, staring blankly at the wall.

“Presumably she was on time for stuff when she was a kid because her parents shoved her in a babygro and carried her to the car. Maybe I should do that.”

Bradford said: “To be honest, getting ready is the best part of a night out with Steve. Because Steve isn’t there.”

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What your booze collection says about you

WHICH boozy classics have you got rammed at the back of your cupboard? And what do they say about the kind of person you are?

Last summer’s Pimms

You’re uptight. Yes, Pimms is technically a summer drink, but why be such a stickler for the rules? Strawberries may be hard to come by in the winter months, but you can at least get your hands on a cucumber. Live a little, you miserable dick.

Triple sec

You’re a wanker. A bottle of triple sec in the cupboard is a sure sign that you ‘got into’ cocktails during lockdown. Whether that was in a bid to impress your friends or simply to drown your own sorrows in a highfalutin way, it still makes you a pretentious twat.


You’re an idiot. A yellow-crusted bottle of Advocaat shows you’re a prick who thought it would be fun to make Snowballs one Christmas. Did you honestly think a combo of what is essentially custard and lemonade was going to lead to anything besides memorable festive puking?


You’re cautious. But what’s the point of saving that champagne for a rainy day? You might die tomorrow. Even if you’re alone with nothing to celebrate apart from the next episode of Succession appearing on Sky, pop the damn cork and have a party.

A box of wine

You’re sensible. If you’re going to do something, you do it properly. Having wine in bulk in the cupboard suggests you take your drinking seriously and aren’t going to tit around pretending otherwise. Well, you’re either sensible or a borderline alcoholic.

Weird bottle of f**k knows what from some holiday

You’re an optimist. Did you think you could bring the South of France back home with you via a bottle of some mysterious liquid called Pommeau? Or relive student adventures in South America by necking some dodgy spirit that’s likely to make you blind? Either way it’s sweet that you thought it possible.