Hating you, your interests and your family: five things that aren't a turn off for men

WHEN it comes to dating, men are a hardy bunch. Even these habits don’t put them off a potential love interest:

Hating you, your interests and your family

You’d think a man would be deterred from desiring a woman who despised everything about his life, but that’s not the case. Instead, the male psyche will rationalise this cavernous difference of opinion by telling themselves ‘opposites attract’ and that, as they haven’t got any other options, they should take what they can get.

Problematic opinions

If a woman drops a slur into conversation or expresses troubling political views, a man’s brain will simply choose to ignore it. That is until they conclude sexual intercourse, at which point all the weird shit she said will come flooding back and he’ll realise he just made a huge mistake.

Being utterly boring

Whereas women look for individuality, confidence and ambition in a partner, a man will overlook a total absence of personality by talking about themselves for the duration of a date. As long as a woman can nod, smile, and laugh at roughly the right time, a man will judge them to be wife material and start shopping for an engagement ring.

Poor hygiene

A woman could turn up to a date with unkempt hair, yellow teeth and a fuggy halo of body odour and not have to worry about it. A man will take these as signs that she’s easy-going and fall in love instantly. He’ll probably even feel comfortable enough to start breaking wind in front of her before they get to first base.

A complete lack of communication

The old adage ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ doesn’t only apply to men rebuffing the advances of a female. Women can entice a man by ignoring him, wearing noise-cancelling headphones to block him out, and not saying a single word. It will never occur to him that she’s just not interested.

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Does your barista fancy you? No, but take our quiz anyway

YOUR barista is not making a pass at you, sorry. But kid yourself they are by taking this quiz:

What happens when you enter the coffee shop?

A) The barista scowls at you and says ‘for f**k’s sake’ under their breath. The last thing they need is to make your third latte of the day.

B) Their face lights up and they call out ‘well, if it isn’t my favourite customer’ while playfully twirling their hair.

How do they take your order?

A) The same way they take everyone else’s order: with a dead-eyed stare into the middle distance while mentally counting down the remaining seconds of their shift.

B) With rapt attention and a coquettish gaze. ‘Just like you’ they giggle when you say you want your coffee extra hot.

What happens when they bring your drink over?

A) The cup is slammed down onto your table with an aggressive clink and some of the hot liquid splashes onto your crotch. Ouch.

B) They set it down with a cheerful sigh and ask if you’re waiting to meet your partner. When you say you haven’t got one they lean over and whisper ‘I hoped you’d say that’ into your ear.

Have they made you latte art?

A) Maybe. There’s a chance the ambiguous swirls in your cup could be called art, but it must be that shitty abstract expressionist stuff nobody likes.

B) Yes, it’s a detailed picture of the two of you locking lips complete with realistic shading and accurate body proportions. They’re wasted in this place.

Have they given you their number?

A) Of course not.

B) Yes, they’ve written it in lipstick on a napkin and added a few kisses for good measure, the flirt.


Mostly As: Judging by their open resentment towards you it looks like your barista doesn’t have the hots for you. They’re not playing hard to get either, so stop wasting everyone’s time and f**k of home.

Mostly Bs: None of this actually happened, did it? Because if it did they’d be sacked for sexually harassing customers. Take the quiz again and answer truthfully this time. Hint: all the correct answers are A.