Woman can't remember how makeup works

A WOMAN about to have her first virtual date has realised that she cannot remember how to do that make-up thing she used to do. 

Eleanor Shaw has spent most of the day fighting with various shiny objects living in a magic bag she found in her bathroom, but their function or even their names are a distant memory.

Shaw explained: “I have a vague impression that this didn’t used to be my face. And that the objects in this bag somehow helped me make a different face that I had on every day. Is that weird?

“I would try watching an online makeup tutorial, but I do still have a very clear recollection that those made me want to puke.

“I’ve opened the red stick thing and used it to give myself fun red eyebrows, which I’m sure Dan from Leicester will appreciate over FaceTime, and the scratchy black paint is perfect for drawing on a beard. It’s great, I look like Justin Trudeau!

“Now all I need is to figure out how clothes are and who my shower wants and I’ll be all ready for Dan. He’s lucky to have me.”

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UK has contingency plan ready if Boris makes a good decision

THE government has confirmed they have contingency plans in place in case Boris Johnson begins making good decisions.

Downing Street insiders have mapped out worst-case scenarios in case the prime minister break ranks and approves universal basic income, nationalises railways or admits any kind of fault.

An source said: “We have a duty to consider every eventuality. Even one-in-a-million cases like Boris getting it right.

“The country is so used to Johnson’s ineptitude that it would spark massive social unrest if he randomly started outlining practical, beneficial action. There would be riots within the hour.

“We’ve implanted a biochip that can override his motor functions and replace his speech with a random selection of ‘umm-err’, ‘Crikey!’ and ‘British get-up-and-go’, which should give us time to rush him away.

“We realised we had to be prepared when he started praising doctors and nurses for saving his life and employed a team psychologists and Tory-voting bigots on 24-hour standby, watching for any sign of good judgment. 

“We can have him tranquilised and removed to an MI5 black site within an hour if he even hints at delaying Brexit. Pray God we don’t have to.”