THE prime minister has unveiled the post-lockdown rules which will allow Britain to return safely to work. Will you be able to follow them?
Email quarantine
Scientists say the coronavirus can’t be passed on via work emails, but science is conflicted in so many areas so why take chances? Once an email arrives, move it into a special quarantine folder for 14 days before replying. Report anyone who challenges this to HR.
Never letting anyone touch your pen
Giving official government weight to what’s been office policy for years, if anyone attempts to touch your special pen or your personal mug you are now authorised simply to stand up, leave the office and refuse to come back until the offender is fired and their pension voided.
White-collar night shifts
Staggered shifts means that compliance, accounts and all the other teams that nobody gets on with will now be on the 10pm-6pm shift. And, like manual workers on nights, they will do no work at all.
Cubicles turned into opaque survival pods
Traditional office cubicles will be turned into opaque COVID-19 survival pods containing a fortnight’s food and water which can be locked from the inside. Boss demanding to know why you’re ignoring his emails? Hit the button.
Do not attempt to fix the printer
If the printer isn’t working, make no attempt to fix it yourself. It could be fizzing with virus. Either call IT to do it then hide, because come on there’s no way they’re not infected just look at them, or ask Jamie who sits next to the printer to do it then swab him down with disinfectant wipes.
Monitor any and all coughing
If anyone coughs, demand all work be ceased until they are sent home. Then demand anyone who has been within two metres of them that day be sent home, and anyone within two metres of them be quarantined, and anything any of them has touched be burned at 1,200ºC. You’re only being reasonable. You have a family.
