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Woman loves animals in all their cartoon forms

A WOMAN has admitted she adores everything about the natural world once sanitised on screen. 

Risk manager Emma Bradford, aged 36, is known for her fondness of animals in soft pastel colours that remove any suggestions of natural flesh and move only on a confined two-dimensional screen.

She said: “I’d have a dog but it’s the hair. I’ve got velvet sofas, you see.

“But every weekend you’ll find me in my Eeyore onesie watching my Disney favourites, from The Jungle Book to The Aristocats to Zootopia. I can’t get enough of their anthropomorphic antics.

“I’m less keen on 101 Dalmatians and Finding Nemo – that’s just too many dogs and you can’t make fish likeable – but otherwise I’m a real at-one-remove animal lover.

“My wardrobe’s all leopard print, I’ve got a life-size Scooby Doo in the downstairs loo and my kitchen is a shrine to Cath Kidston chicken prints though I wouldn’t like to be near a real one. They peck and fly at your face.

“I know we share this planet with actual animals but couldn’t they all be put into zoos to avoid having to swerve so they don’t dent your car? It’d be more convenient.”

Friend Fran Johnson said: “Hasn’t stopped her last three boyfriends being a sloth, a snake and a fat, horrible stinking pig.”

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Married man leaps into affair without hint of guilt

A MAN has embarked upon an extramarital liaison with no more hesitation than a Labrador catching a sausage, friends have reported. 

Tom Logan, aged 35, married only four years ago but responded to flirtatious advances from a friend’s sister as if he had spent that entire period poised and ready for the starting gun.

He said: “Problem pages – written by women – would have you believe infidelity is the result of a marriage’s rough patches, or a weak moment on a drunken night out. Not so.

“In fact I was on the lookout for an idle chance during the honeymoon. Every stag do, conference or trip to the dry-cleaners I’m on the prowl. Guilt? Frankly I’m ashamed that it’s taken this long.

“Don’t believe those who claim they’re wracked with guilt. It’s a way to humblebrag they’re getting some and tell other women they’re up for it. Might try it at the gym this week.

“Yes, there may be consequences but you only deal with a house on fire once it’s on fire, don’t you? I will feel bad at some point, probably when it’s over. Or definitely if the wife finds out.”

Grace Wood-Morris, who Logan is having adulterous sex with, said: “I’ll be honest, I’d priced in a whole back-and-forth period where I play the seductive temptress I was looking forward to. I’d end it if I didn’t think he’d be fine with that.”

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