Woman who says there are 'two sides to every story' always on wrong side

A WOMAN who likes to highlight the blinkered nature of people’s opinions always supports the worst point of view, it has emerged.

Contrarian Joanna Kramer has defended tax evaders, flat earthers and Dominic Cummings, all with the moronic observation that there are multiple ways of looking at things.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “At first I thought she was just playing devil’s advocate. There’s no way anyone could seriously think Prince Andrew did nothing wrong or the Capitol rioters weren’t nutjobs.

“But when she said we ‘shouldn’t judge anyone until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes’ I realised she was deadly serious. Judging by her self-satisfied tone she clearly thought this was profound and not just some crap from a motivational meme.

“She’s also very conservative. I wouldn’t like to say she’s got an agenda, but when you’re arguing that Priti Patel is a strong woman in a man’s world, I think there might be.

“I might start arguing in favour of ridiculous things to see how far gone she is. I think I’ll start with endangered species deserving to die out because they’re too lazy to evolve more like humans.

“If she still disagrees with me then at least she’ll be talking sense for once.”

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How to be an effective leader of the opposition, by Marcus Rashford

HI Keir. You’re an experienced politician and I’m a 23-year-old footballer, yet I’m much better than you at holding the government to account. Here are my tips on how it’s done.

Act quicker

I managed to have a meeting with Boris Johnson and the board distributing the terrible food hampers, all whilst being a professional footballer. What did you do? Nothing really. Pull your finger out, mate. 

Get some better people on your side

You’ve got an entire shadow cabinet, but they appear to be about as much use as you are. I had a smaller team, made up of the unlikely pairing of Piers Morgan and Jack Monroe, but somehow a gobby TV presenter and a food blogger were more use than all of your lot put together.

Develop a bit of charisma

I know you’re a stuffy old ex-lawyer who sounds like he’s got a perpetual cold so charisma might be hard to come by, but you’ve got to find a better angle than simply being ‘forensic’. Although not so much of an angle as Jeremy Corbyn. That didn’t really work.

Don’t be part of a confused, in-fighting political party

To be fair, you’ve got a lot on your plate, such as trying to lead a political party fighting each other like rats in a sack. You should probably sort that out because otherwise we’ll have to put up with decades more of the Tories winning and thinking children don’t need food.

Consider a career in football

If politics is too hard, why not consider a career in football? It’s pretty difficult as well, but maybe they could find space for you on the bench somewhere like Forest Green Rovers. You can do politics as a sideline, and probably get more done.