Friday, 22nd January 2021

How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated

ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.

Claim to remember old things

As you shuffle into the vaccination centre say you haven’t been this excited since the moon landing or when England won the World Cup, both of which you remember well because you were in your 20s at the time. Don’t blow your cover by reminiscing about the Crusades.

Get a fake ID

The key to a good fake ID is to keep it simple and believable, so print a driver’s licence off the internet but DON’T be tempted to embroider things with tales of driving your Ford Model T. Be sure to memorise your phoney date of birth, although you can always blame a slip-up on your dementia.

Draw on some wrinkles

With a steady hand and a bit of creativity, a simple eyeliner pencil can create a network of convincing crags and crevices on your youthful face. It’s similar to how women used to draw stockings seams on their legs during the war, which we’ve already established you can totally remember.

Pay a child to be your great-grandkid

Part of their contract should include calling you ‘granny’ or ‘gramps’, talking about wholesome memories you both share, and saying how you’re even braver than your contemporary, Captain Tom. Hire a hard kid who will cover your back if the nurses catch on and things turn ugly.

Use ‘olden days’ words

Tell the vaccination centre staff how you can’t wait to cut a rug at the club because you’re a ducky shincracker. This might not convince them you’re old, but there’s a chance they’ll think jabbing you in the arm is the easiest way to get you to go away.