How to pretend to be over 75 and get vaccinated

ONLY a morally bankrupt, heartless swine would try to jump the queue and get vaccinated early. Here’s how to do it.

Claim to remember old things

As you shuffle into the vaccination centre say you haven’t been this excited since the moon landing or when England won the World Cup, both of which you remember well because you were in your 20s at the time. Don’t blow your cover by reminiscing about the Crusades.

Get a fake ID

The key to a good fake ID is to keep it simple and believable, so print a driver’s licence off the internet but DON’T be tempted to embroider things with tales of driving your Ford Model T. Be sure to memorise your phoney date of birth, although you can always blame a slip-up on your dementia.

Draw on some wrinkles

With a steady hand and a bit of creativity, a simple eyeliner pencil can create a network of convincing crags and crevices on your youthful face. It’s similar to how women used to draw stockings seams on their legs during the war, which we’ve already established you can totally remember.

Pay a child to be your great-grandkid

Part of their contract should include calling you ‘granny’ or ‘gramps’, talking about wholesome memories you both share, and saying how you’re even braver than your contemporary, Captain Tom. Hire a hard kid who will cover your back if the nurses catch on and things turn ugly.

Use ‘olden days’ words

Tell the vaccination centre staff how you can’t wait to cut a rug at the club because you’re a ducky shincracker. This might not convince them you’re old, but there’s a chance they’ll think jabbing you in the arm is the easiest way to get you to go away.


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Six great ways to piss money away instead of renting

ARE you a former tenant back with mum and dad, wondering what to do with all this extra money you’ve got? Try these ways of pissing it up the wall: 

Get seriously into gambling

Nothing offers less return on the investment of large sums than gambling. Put big bets on horse races with impossible-to-predict outcomes, and keep the fixed-odds betting terminals well-fed. Don’t worry about those odd moments when you win. They’ll pass.

Give money to someone who already owns a house

Missing paying somebody else’s mortgage? Pop round to a homeowner every month with a grand. At first they might be suspicious, but they’ll soon accept the arrangment. For the full misery of renting, inquire as to whether they’ve bought a BMW or a summerhouse with your hard-earned cash.


One of the stranger products of consumer culture, ‘limited edition’ bobbleheads of Ripley from Alien or a small statue of Batman for £279.95, are expensive, ugly and useless. Once you’re buying a limited edition Barney Rubble Funko Pop from the Flintstones-Jetsons crossover your money-wasting is going superbly.


Once the preserve of bored ladies, men can now enjoy various tedious moisturising, hairdressing and spa experiences. Should be suitably costly and have no real effect, for example a £200 haircut with some wine that doesn’t turn you into Chris Hemsworth.

A hobby you don’t enjoy

Buying an expensive mountain bike then realising you hate gruelling, muddy exercise with twats is good, but go further. Why not renovate some wreck of an Aston Martin that will bankrupt you and result in hundreds of tedious hours on the internet looking for gaskets and seals?

‘Win a house’ lotteries

A brilliant way to keep your dreams of homeowning alive while frittering money and not actually winning a house. Partly because it’s a f**king lottery, partly because mostly they’re cancelled due to not enough mugs entering. You’ve lost cash on a house while not having a house. It’s renting in a nutshell.