Saturday, 8th May 2021

Woman who spills entire pint of milk burns down house rather than clean it up

A WOMAN who spilt a full pint of milk onto carpet has set fire to her own home rather than deal with cleaning up the f**king mess. 

Carolyn Ryan dropped the glass of semi-skimmed milk, briefly considered the lengthy process of wiping, soaking, and scrubbing that would be necessary, and got a bottle of barbecue lighter and a box of matches instead.

She explained: “It went everywhere. All over the floor, up the walls, behind the radiator, under the settee, f**king everywhere.

“I considered using a whole roll of kitchen roll just to soak it up, then the hands-and-knees scrubbing, then using bicarbonate of bloody soda or whatever to stop it stinking on hot days in five years’ time. And I couldn’t.

“So I just doused the room in lighter fluid, threw in a lit match and walked away. No more mess. No more being stuck with the stench of stale milk for the rest of my life.

“It’s like the time I dropped a whole jar of pasta sauce, walked out, closed the door behind me and put my house on the market. There was no way I was dealing with that, so I said goodbye to my partner and kids and started a new life in Spain.

“I’ve been living in a cardboard box since the fire, but no regrets. Plus, if I spill anything in here, I just go and grab myself a new home from round the back of Aldi.”