Woman's life still crap despite affirmations and visualisation

A WOMAN’S life is still a lot of crap despite affirmations and visualisation, it has been confirmed.

Susan Traherne is still unhappy in her career, unfit and unable to find a long term partner even though she recites positive statements in the mirror each morning and visualises herself as a slim, happily married millionaire entrepreneur.

Traherne said: “I do exactly what the New Age gurus suggest, and yet my love life’s still down the toilet and I haven’t ‘manifested’ so much as a quid.”

She added: “You’d think the universe could at least throw me a voucher for free Nectar points.”

New Age guru Julian Cook said: “I think the universe is angry with Susan because she visualised an East 17 reunion.”

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Index of Cameron's book has no entry for 'pig'

REVIEWERS of David Cameron’s new memoir For The Record have confirmed that its index has no entry for the word ‘pig’. 

Critics at broadsheets flicked excitedly to the back of the book to read about the former Tory PM’s career highlight, but found nothing between piffle ‘see Johnson, Boris’ and pilfer ‘see policies of Miliband, Ed’. 

Denys Finch Hatton of The Times said: “Is he planning a second volume? Because there’s no meat to this one. 

“Everyone knows David Cameron as the PM that f**ked the pig. Worldwide that’s what he’s famous for. Leaving it out seems self-defeating. 

“There’s also nothing for ‘pub, left eight-year-old at in 2012’ or ‘pissing off, moment job looked like it might be difficult’.”