Woman's natural state is brunch

A WOMAN has confirmed that her natural state of being is eating avocado toast and drinking wine before noon.

Brunch enthusiast, Emma Bradford said: “A few days ago a friend of mine asked me if I fancied brunch at the weekend, to which I immediately said, ‘Yes.’”

“Didn’t check my diary, didn’t ask where or for what reason, I just said, ‘Yes. Yes, I f*cking do’.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said, “For many women being in a state of brunch is far more natural than non-brunch things like working, parenting or having passive-aggressive conversations.”

Bradford added: “It doesn’t even have to be in a nice restaurant. A greasy spoon cafe is fine, as long as they serve Prosecco and Bloody Marys and they don’t mind if things get a bit messy.”


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Man using dating app acting like he has standards

A MAN has allowed his use of a dating app to convince himself that he has any standards whatsoever. 

Martin Bishop, from Bedford, joined Tinder and, given the illusion of free will, chose to decide he was better than swiping right on literally any woman when he definitely is not.

He said: “I can’t just be dating anyone. That’s not how the Bish rolls. Not anymore.

“So I’ve swiped past several girls who if I’d seen in a nightclub after a few I’d think were out of my league, past those girls at work you fancy when hungover, past all the fours and fives.

“This is a new era for me. No more settling. On personality, and perhaps slightly less on looks, I deserve to be shopping from the very top shelf.

“If it means waiting for Bedford’s Emily Ratajkowski to come along, I’ll wait. My days of going off with the first munter who comes along are over.”

Later that evening, Bishop created a new Tinder profile and swiped right on everyone he had skipped before, but still received no matches.