'You can have it all' confirms man who squeezed in two wanks before work

MEN can ‘have it all’ according to a 38-year-old who managed to masturbate twice before work.

Wayne Hayes has carved out a career as a high-flying marketing executive while also pursuing his dream of pleasuring himself as much as humanly possible.

Hayes explained: “Men always think they have to choose, either having a career or jerking off, but that’s just not the case.

“It’s all about time management and wanting it enough. You’ve got to be willing to stretch yourself, and I don’t just mean just your foreskin. But yes, I do also mean your foreskin.

“Some men think they have to be ‘stay-at-home’ wankers who live off their wives because they don’t think they can hold down a job and find time for a cheeky hand shandy.

“But there are some simple things you can do. For example, I convinced my wife to let me turn the second bedroom into a ‘study’.”

Hayes’ wife Sandra added: “I know what he’s doing in there. He has a serious problem.”

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How to dress for your Gammon body shape

BEING a Gammon is tough enough with traitors trying to reverse Brexit, but many Gammons also are not completely satisfied with their body shape.

There is nothing you can do about your Gammon head, but follow these tips and you can take back control of your Gammon body.

A classic ‘blob’ shape can be exasperating as you’re not really a shape at all, just a pile of sausage meat congealed into a ball. Try an open-collared white shirt and some boot-cut jeans, then at least people will assume you’re human.

While most Gammons yearn for your slim, elegant arms, your portly beer gut makes you look distinctly amphibian. Wear an outfit that balances out the proportions of your frame, like an open collared white shirt and some boot-cut jeans.

The ‘slug’ is similar to the ‘blob’ except with a taller, more sultry frame. Simple fluid lines will make the most of your mollusc-like silhouette, such as an open collared white shirt and some boot-cut jeans.

On the one hand, you look like a turd, but on the other you’ve drunk so much warm ale, who really gives fuck? Pull on your open collared white shirt and boot-cut jeans and head down to the golf club to drink yourself to death while the country tears itself apart.