WERE you desperately trying to impress your peers as an idiot child? Here’s some of the implausible shit you claimed to have done in the playground.
Completing the monkey bars one-handed
How? You apparently successfully climbed along an entire line of monkey bars using only one hand, but unfortunately there was no one else around to witness this feat even a professional rock-climber would find impossible. You were playing fast and loose with the truth, and soon your peers would doubt if your uncle really was Keith Chegwin.
Doing a full 360 degrees on the swings
Eager to forge a new, better reputation for yourself after being seen pissing yourself in the sandpit, you pushed the nuclear button of lies. If you did this under your own steam, you’d broken the laws of physics. If one of your parents pushed you with enough force to complete a full rotation, you should have been taken into care.
Climbing up the pole
You hoped everyone would believe you’d managed to heave yourself up the fireman’s pole on the climbing frame. Despite seven-year-olds being quite light, everyone knew you were talking bollocks. Particularly when they asked you to show them and you said you’d love to but you’d just eaten a big lunch.
Going at 1,000mph on the merry-go-round
Was this simply the biggest number you could think of? Yes. Were you just hoping to claw back a bit of dignity after several people at your school saw you dizzily stagger off the merry-go-round and be sick in a hedge? Also yes. You did not break the sound barrier on a playground ride, you utter lunatic. Everyone would have heard the sonic boom, among many, many other problems.
Jumping over a plane on the trampoline
Claiming something like this was a real act of desperation, a boast so profoundly thick that even the four-year-olds would look at you with pity. In what world would a shitty, rust-addled trampoline poorly maintained by the council be able to propel a child some 30,000 feet into the air? In the tragic world of your attention-seeking imagination, that’s where.