You did a full 360 on the swings, and other playground lies you told

WERE you desperately trying to impress your peers as an idiot child? Here’s some of the implausible shit you claimed to have done in the playground. 

Completing the monkey bars one-handed

How? You apparently successfully climbed along an entire line of monkey bars using only one hand, but unfortunately there was no one else around to witness this feat even a professional rock-climber would find impossible. You were playing fast and loose with the truth, and soon your peers would doubt if your uncle really was Keith Chegwin.

Doing a full 360 degrees on the swings

Eager to forge a new, better reputation for yourself after being seen pissing yourself in the sandpit, you pushed the nuclear button of lies. If you did this under your own steam, you’d broken the laws of physics. If one of your parents pushed you with enough force to complete a full rotation, you should have been taken into care.

Climbing up the pole

You hoped everyone would believe you’d managed to heave yourself up the fireman’s pole on the climbing frame. Despite seven-year-olds being quite light, everyone knew you were talking bollocks. Particularly when they asked you to show them and you said you’d love to but you’d just eaten a big lunch.

Going at 1,000mph on the merry-go-round

Was this simply the biggest number you could think of? Yes. Were you just hoping to claw back a bit of dignity after several people at your school saw you dizzily stagger off the merry-go-round and be sick in a hedge? Also yes. You did not break the sound barrier on a playground ride, you utter lunatic. Everyone would have heard the sonic boom, among many, many other problems.

Jumping over a plane on the trampoline

Claiming something like this was a real act of desperation, a boast so profoundly thick that even the four-year-olds would look at you with pity. In what world would a shitty, rust-addled trampoline poorly maintained by the council be able to propel a child some 30,000 feet into the air? In the tragic world of your attention-seeking imagination, that’s where.

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Six great things to do while you're waiting 15 hours for an ambulance

By the Department of Health

THE NHS is so good under the Tories that people can’t wait to go into hospital. That means there might be a wait for a ride in an ambulance. Here are some fun ways to fill the time.

Board games 

A few games of Operation will get you in the mood for major surgery. It’s actually how most surgeons learn their trade. Alternatively a long, engrossing game of Monopoly will take your mind off a burst appendix. Just don’t get so involved you forget there’s an ambulance outside and bleed to death. 

Start a business

What could be more Tory than becoming an entrepreneur thanks to NHS cuts designed to make everyone so unhappy with the service they can’t wait for private health insurance? And who knows, a few years down the line you could be sunning yourself on a £10 million yacht after supplying the NHS with unfit-for-purpose kit, eg. respirators that suck your lungs out.

Catch up on your streaming shows

If you’re anything like us you still haven’t finished Succession! A long wait for an ambulance means you can finish The Rings of Power without feeling guilty about starting The Peripheral. If you’re in a lot of pain, pretend it’s futuristic immersive TV and you’re suffering from a sword wound.

Make a start on that screenplay

We’ve all meant to sit down and write our film or TV script, but real life always gets in the way. An open fracture or breathing difficulties means you’ve got 15 whole hours of ‘me time’ to focus on your masterwork. And it provides you with loads of material: a race to hospital, gory injuries, heroic paramedics, medical jargon, NHS staff cracking up. Just hope it’s not too life-or-death or you won’t be starting episode 2.

Do a medical degree

Sadly, 15 hours isn’t enough to become a doctor, but you could become a fully-qualified reiki consultant. However if you have a life-threatening long-term illness requiring constant emergency admissions it’s entirely doable. Buy some medical textbooks and in a few years you’ll be earning a fortune and able to treat yourself the moment you start getting agonising pain. 

Dream about meeting your true NHS love

Thanks to what psychologists call ‘transference’, when you finally get to hospital you’ll instantly fall in love with anyone who might ease the worsening pain. It might be a handsome paramedic, a sexy doctor like Jac from Holby City, or a wheezing 60-year-old porter on 60 fags a day. It’s such a great new NHS service we should start charging for it. And we will.