Five musicians who are f**king raking it in at this time of year

CHRISTMAS is a time of goodwill to all men and massive pay cheques for certain musicians, such as these.

Noddy Holder

The undisputed king of festive songs. The Slade frontman’s joyous klaxon-like scream that Christmas has arrived is probably only outdone by his raucous ‘ker-ching’ when the royalty statement lands on the doormat. It’s a gravy chain that’s sure to last forever, unless future generations find a reason to cancel him, which given that he’s a 70s celebrity isn’t exactly off the cards.

Mariah Carey

The tinkling intro and opening warble of All I Want for Christmas Is You have you trained to start salivating over mince pies like a dog with Pavlovian conditioning, if Pavlov had been a pioneer of Christmas schmaltz. Just like climate change, this exhausting song is a permanent, miserable part of everyone’s life. The only person benefiting from it is Mariah Carey, which is just as well because she hasn’t had a hit in a few decades.

Roy Wood

One-time Wizzard frontman Roy Wood has surely been living off I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday since 1973. Especially since he topped up his coffers by churning out a new live version and a tedious cover featuring the Wombles. Imagine still getting paid a fortune for a piece of work you did 50 years ago. That’s the dream.

Michael Bublé

A relative newcomer to the scene, but your mum’s favourite wanking material has already got the Christmas song market in a headlock by releasing a full album stuffed with festive tunes. An easy money spinner for the Canadian crooner. He could get a soundalike to grind through the cover versions while watching his bank balance explode.

Shane MacGowan

Not even the inclusion of a lyric that people pretend to be offended about can dent Fairytale of New York’s popularity. Arguably the best Christmas song of all time, this Irish folk-style pop ballad must make Shane MacGowan a multi-millionaire on an annual basis. Luckily we know he’ll spend it wisely. He’s probably on his Peloton right now.

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England sure to win whole thing now they've qualified from piss-easy group

ENGLAND are guaranteed to come home with the World Cup now they have beaten two minor teams in a piss-easy group, fans have agreed.

Following victories against Iran and Wales and a nil-nil draw with the USA, England’s destiny is now to storm absolutely every game and hold the Jules Rimet trophy aloft for the first time since 1966.

Fan Josh Gardner said: “Overconfident? Not at all. I’ve simply observed the facts and drawn the obvious conclusions.

“To wit that now we’ve got Foden on and Rashford’s back to his goalscoring best we’ll breeze past Senegal, who fluked qualifying, then sweep aside either Argentina or France because we’re back to our imperious best.

“The other side of the draw’s weak as f**k so whoever we meet in the semis is doomed. I hope it’s not Ronaldo for his sake. He deserves a better ending than getting tonked six-nil.

“And then the final, which we’ll win based purely on statistics. Semi-final 2018, final 2021, win in final 2022. I’ve done it on a graph. It’s a straight line upward.”

He added: “There’s only the slimmest chance we don’t, in which case it’s all the fault of that f**king useless prick Southgate.”