Lifestyle

DELIBERATELY cocking up the pronunciation of words is one of life's little pleasures, so liven up your otherwise drab existence by mangling these.

ABANDONED all hope of getting a shag? Fill your time with one of these cripplingly dull hobbies where your lack of sexual charisma will see you fit right in.

TOWNS where students go to get drunk and occasionally attend lectures are fun for exactly three years only, it has emerged.

A MUM wearing a DryRobe on the school run has come fresh from a strenuous cold-water swim at the beach, she has implied.

A COUPLE who have just had underfloor heating installed are claiming they will not let it go to their heads.

SOME acts of kindness are so unavoidable you can’t even congratulate yourself on your incredible generosity toward the little people. Here are some you just grudgingly have to do.

RESIDENTS of Wolverhampton are sick of tourists posing outside of their homes and clogging up their stunning town centre, it has emerged.

A WOMAN passing in a f**k off massive car does not need to thank you because your car is smaller and therefore utterly insignificant.

SMALLER Smeg appliances are in no way impressive unless complementing a huge Smeg refrigerator, homeowners have confirmed.

CONCERNED about all of the reports of death in the news? Worried that it may affect you too? Learn all about the terminal life condition with this guide.