Childless women’s husband-stealing plan foiled by Daily Mail

SCHEMING childless women have had their home-wrecking plans ruined by The Daily Mail.

The newspaper has revealed the link between women without children and ‘rampant infidelity’, potentially saving millions of marriages.

43-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Like all childless women, I chose not to have kids purely so that I can lure other women’s husbands into my web of sexual depravity.

“Further going against nature to remain unmarried, I travel the country in a kind of ‘sex caravan’ full of dildos and black magic equipment.

“I go to local pubs in a tight dress and entice men, like the succubus that I am. Any husband who sees me is driven half-mad with desire.

“I sexually exhaust them then cast them aside – of course they are not to blame because they are helpless before my Satanic sex powers. As the Mail knows, all true evil emanates from women.”

Bradford is now furious that her destructive lifestyle has been revealed to millions of Mail readers: “I have put a curse on the journalists responsible. No crops will grow on their land, and the teats of their cattle shall run dry.”

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Ask Holly: Is Britain full?

Dear Holly,

You try to go on a journey during rush hour and have to abandon it because there’s too much traffic; you go into Tesco and they’ve sold out of tin foil; you try buy some nachos at the cinema have to queue. Am I alone in thinking this, or is Britain full?  Most importantly, I needed that tin foil to protect my head from all the Wi-Fi electro-smog. I’ve left a coded message for Uri Geller but I think ‘they’ have got to him already. Please send help.


Location classified

Dear Noel,

You are right – there is no room in this country because the celebrities are taking it all up with their mansion houses, golf courses and helicopter landing pads. It’s all a simple maths problem which I can solve with Key Stage Five addition and subtraction, we just take their stuff and divide it among all the poor people. Either that or we have a revolution like in The Hunger Games where everyone shoots each other with arrows.

Hope that helps,