Cold water swimmers, and other twats that get on the Christmas news every year

WITHOUT any news to report because everyone is at home gorging on ham and Baileys, these overactive pricks leap at their chance to make the BBC bulletin: 


As you neck your third prosecco of the day, someone’s out doing 5K in a park like it’s any ordinary morning. They might even be doing it for charity, just to rub it in. Well, there’s no greater endorphin rush than eating an entire tub of Celebrations before lunch. If you’d got sponsorship for that Cancer Research would be laughing.

Cold water swimmers

Every year idiots in Santa hats plunge into the grey British sea and return to shore with the startling news that it’s f**king freezing. You watch one shiver through an interview, his skin shading through mauves and violets. This is the high point for him. The rest of the day is spent wrapped in blankets waiting for his testes to descend.

Hotel Christmas dinners

Why? Because hotels will let an outside broadcast team in as advertising, and cameramen will go along to get free food. Meanwhile the guests preen themselves for having the foresight to avoid making Christmas dinner. We all know that sucks but it’s one of life’s unavoidable aggravations, like Brexit or climate change. F**k these visionary pricks.

A probably-bollocks scientific breakthrough

The interim Christmas-New Year period is a great one for scientists who might have discovered something but probably haven’t. Rush your press release to broadsheet editors desperate for a front page, and suddenly everyone’s waking up to ‘Time travel experiment succeeds’ before actual scientists have answered the phone to discredit it.

Boxing Day bargain-hunters

Having gone a whole day without actively participating in rampant consumerism, dickheads rush out to save 15 per cent on hair straighteners and cameras film them. Why these people aren’t in bed with hangovers is inexplicable. They should not be celebrated but castigated for Doing Christmas Wrong.

Newborn babies

To be fair it’s hardly their fault, and all their parents are guilty of is a badly-timed shag. But, Christ aside, there’s nothing special about being born on Christmas Day. These poor kids are getting ‘this is for your birthday and Christmas’ for the rest of their hapless lives.

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Tiny jigsaw, spinning top, whistle: crap cracker toys ranked in order of crapness

FROM underwhelming bangs to flimsy crowns, crackers are toss. But worst of all is the failed promise of the toys, in order:

Miniature comb

This treat usually ends up in bald uncle John’s cracker, leading to hilarity and his emotional breakdown. After tiring of the abuse and throwing his plate against the wall, he’ll sulk off to watch Ratatouille in furious silence, leaving the rest of the family to slag him off over pudding. Brutal, impractical, but a conversation starter. 7/10

Spinning top

Credit where it’s due, this one stands apart from the pack because it actually works. You’ll get three or four good spins out of it before it smashes one of the good wine glasses, flies off the table and is lost forever. During spring cleaning you’ll hoover it up and write off your Dyson. 6.5/10

Tiny jigsaw

Everyone got their fill of jigsaws during lockdown and never wants to think about them again. The sight of a six-piece jigsaw of a snowman will trigger the trauma of the pandemic to come rushing back and bring down the festive mood. But worst of all, cracker jigsaws are too insultingly simple to be any fun. 5/10

Miniature screwdriver set

‘Huh, useful’, you wrongly think as you imagine using them to tighten the arms on your reading glasses. Stop lying to yourself. These tiny tools will never come in handy, not least because you’d need the dexterity of a brain surgeon to make them work and you can barely open a packet of crisps without f**king it up. 4/10

Plastic imitation Slinky

Instead of receiving a proper Slinky (large, metal, obeys the laws of motion) you get lumbered with the cracker version (small, plastic, doesn’t do its one job). Even shit cracker jokes fulfil their function better, and they rely on puns about elves and ‘wrap’ music to get a groan out of you. 2/10


Whoever thought that putting a loud choking hazard inside a cracker was a good idea is on the naughty list forever. The last thing anyone needs on the most stressful day of the year is some prick blasting away on a whistle while you’re trying to indulge in quality family time like sitting dead-eyed in front of the TV. 0/10