Daily Mail readers prepare for their Two Hours Hate

DAILY Mail readers are looking forward to settling down on the sofa to pour out undiluted hatred for two continuous hours. 

The readers, who have been anticipating their hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiveness ever since it was announced, cannot wait to let loose with every ounce of the loathing and malice that poisons their souls.

Susan Traherne said: “9pm, ITV, straight after Corrie. I can feel my hatred curdling already.

“I’ll try and listen to what the evil, calculating bitch has to say, just so it can spur me to hitherto undiscovered peaks of self-righteous rage, but the very sight of her will probably have me screaming incoherently.

“It’ll be the same all down our close. Anyone walking past will hear ‘Goldigging monster!’ ‘Pushy, vile cow!’ ‘Trapped him! She’s trapped him!’ and ‘Jumped-up little actress with her claws into everything right and good about this country!’ coming out the double-glazing.

“We won’t swear because we’re decent people, but I do think they should bring back the death penalty for what she’s done to the Queen. The SAS should kidnap her and double-tap her on the deck of an aircraft carrier. That’s fair.

“I am looking forward to this. I haven’t had a good hate since they sorted out the Brexit.”

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'I will call myself a twat for £50'

SADLY – tragically – the political career of Nigel Farage is over. I have given this country everything, and can give no more. 

But I must still make a living, because pints of foaming brown ale, cigarettes and Barbour jackets do not pay for themselves, so I am now recording personalised messages to make ends meet. And I will say anything.

If you want me to describe myself as a ‘seven-time election loser’, I will. If your perfect birthday greeting is me saying ‘Hello it’s me, Question Time’s racist-in-residence’ then £50 and it’s yours.

Something special? For £65 I’ll happily shoot a video where I defend the Shengen Agreement while tipping a milkshake over myself. For £80 I’ll say ‘the 52 per cent are knobs’ while being hit in the face with a pie. Or for £91.75 I’ll wear an ‘I love EU’ T-shirt while eating Euros.

They say every man’s got a price, and mine doesn’t reach three figures. The only limit is your imagination.

My messages can be recorded and sent within 24 hours. I’ve got naff all else going on. Laurence Fox has nicked my job as the nation’s contrarian twat, so shooting a Brexity birthday message for your estranged son in the spirit of banter will really help to pass the time.

It was either this or selling nudes on OnlyFans, so count your blessings. I’m leaving that to Trump.