Daily Mail scurrying about like a horrid little spider

THE DAILY Mail is scurrying around like a spider trying to get up society’s trouser leg, it has emerged.

The poisonous news-arachnid is busily skittering hither and thither on its pointy little legs, trying to find an entry point where it can get in and lay its tiny black eggs of blame.

It said: “I’m just running around very fast on my spindly black legs, looking for the vulnerable spot. It could be Muslims, MPs, single mums or some other type of woman.

“Then I’m in. Don’t hate me, it’s just my despicable nature. Sometimes I pray I’ll get eaten by a mouse.”

Household Mary Fisher said: “At first I was scared of it, now I’m just determined to catch it under a glass and lob it out the window.”

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Pensions now worth enough for one big bender

THE average British pension will now fund one proper night out when you finally reach retirement, financial advisers have confirmed. 

Research suggests that five decades in full-time employment is now worth exactly the cost of a night that begins at Wetherspoons, goes on to Revolution and a provincial nightclub, and concludes with a kebab.

Financial analyst Carolyn Ryan said: “Twenty years ago, a pension could be relied upon to provide a long, comfortable retirement. Now you’ll just about get enough for one last blowout.

“For most of us, this means our drinks for the evening will be fully covered, including shots. Social smokers will have the option of a packet of 20 fags to share.

“Anyone who has gone the job-for-life route, risen to senior management and stayed in the final salary scheme will have enough for a gram of crap coke split four ways.

“Recipients of the state pension would be advised to invest their lump sum in a three-litre bottle of white cider to be drunk at a bus stop beforehand, to stretch their funds further.

Bill McKay of Stirling said: “My long-term retirement plan is to punch a policeman at the end of the night so the state pays for my care.”