Guardian reveals how to cook the perfect meth

THE Guardian has published a guide to cooking quick, but delicious crystal meth for a casual Friday night get-together.

Food writer Carolyn Ryan said: “Methamphetamine is becoming very popular, but for first-time cooks, it’s hard to know where to start.

“Now you can set up a professional-looking meth lab in your own kitchen, using natural, ethically-sourced ingredients that won’t alert the authorities.

“I tested all of these recipes to make sure they had enough kick. Rest assured, I was absolutely fucked out of my bonce.”

Guardian reader Nikki Hollis said: “Some of the ingredients were quite hard to get. I had to break into a dentist’s to get my hands on mercury amalgam, which not even Ottolenghi makes you do.

“I also substituted paint thinner for nail polish remover, but none of my friends said anything, because they were too busy staring manically at everything and nothing at the same time.”

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Britain anxiously awaiting verdict of handful of people who can be arsed to vote

BRITAIN is waiting with bated breath for the verdict of the few people in Stoke and Copeland who can be arsed to vote, it has been confirmed.

The leadership of the Labour Party, the value of the pound and the government’s Brexit strategy are all dependent on a handful of voters getting up, scratching their buttocks, getting dressed and deciding that they might as bloody well.

Stoke resident Tom Logan said: “It’s obviously a big deal for politics and all that. As for me, I’ve left my polling card on top of the microwave and can’t be fucked to go back.

“There will be a big fuss about Stoke on Newsnight tonight, at which point my mate Dave will say ‘Oh. Was that today?’”

Norman Steele, from Copeland, added: “It’s a bit windy, and they’re all useless anyway. But I might do it later on when I take the dog for a shit.”