How can you become a massively overpaid twat on TV?

WITH BBC pay in the news again, many of us have asked ‘How can I get paid millions for saying inane things to a camera too?’. Read our guide and become a highly-paid TV presenter.

Be wacky

Develop a manic, hyperactive, ‘wacky’ personality. This is ideal for everything from kids’ TV to radio breakfast shows because producers will love your ‘energy’, even though you irritate the fuck out of 50% of the population.

Just be careful not to crack under the pressure of being wacky all the time and get caught snorting heroin off a Latvian prostitute on the set of Kidz Funtime.

Get on a show that’s dull but popular

Become a presenter on the sort of bland TV that never gets cancelled because mums and grans like it. Since Countryfile and Songs of Praise already exist, you may have to invent your own, eg. Countryside Canal Walks With Nice Singing.

Develop a terrifying ego

Despite just being on a forgettable early evening chat show, start to believe you are the greatest human being ever and and keep demanding more money from the BBC.

This should work for years until your ego spirals totally out of control and you abruptly get sacked after demanding £1,000,000 a minute and your own show broadcasting live from the Moon.

Be slightly less boring than other sports commentators

If you’re a former footballer or tennis player, appear really interesting by not constantly talking in tired sporting cliches like “It’s goals that count at the end of the day”. Make the odd quip about ‘balls’ to look like a bona fide comedian.

Compared to Alan Hansen and Martina Navratilova you’ll look like John Belushi at his most mental.

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New football fans expected to watch crap League Two games from now on

EVERYONE who was supporting England in the World Cup will be expected to continue their love of football when the season starts.

New football fans will be expected to turn up at Lamex Stadium on 4 August for the thrilling League Two clash between Stevenage and Tranmere Rovers.

Tranmere fan Wayne Hayes said: “It’s great that everyone loves football so much now. I can’t wait to see them all watch us grind out a nil-nil draw before getting back on the coach for a three-hour motorway journey home.

“I’m looking forward to them joining in chanting ‘Ollie, Ollie, Ollie Norburn’ and enjoying the kind of pie you can’t buy from Waitrose.

“Although in reality I’ll probably stay at home and watch the highlights on Quest, and I say that as Tranmere’s biggest fan.”

New football fan Nikki Hollis said: “Apparently I have to go to a place called Yeovil. I’m a bit frightened. Have they invented toilets there?

“And who is ‘Crewe Alex’?”