AS a man I am completely immune to advertising and its crude attempts to get inside my powerful, highly rational brain. Sorry, ad agencies, that’s just how it is. Here are some examples.
‘Does exactly what it says on the tin.’ Very clever psychology, the artless statement of the obvious suggesting it’s not an advert. But because I’ve seen through it I can buy Ronseal whenever I want. In fact I’ve got a bit addicted to staining things. I did the cat to see if he’d go out in the rain, but he just had to go to the vet. My wife was livid. Wish they’d mentioned that on the tin.
Betting on football
I won’t be spending money on football betting just because Ray Winstone started doing the ads. I’ll be spending money on football betting because I’m a no-nonsense bloke, like Ray, who likes a flutter, like Ray, and could definitely handle myself in a borstal, like Ray. As I always say, when the fun, stops, stop. And I have stopped. Because I’ve been declared bankrupt.
‘Close, and closer still.’ Laughable. Stick your ridiculous slogans up your arse, really. I could grow a beard in 20 minutes – I just happen to like being clean-shaven. Gillette’s my personal choice. They shave you close, I find. And, as it happens, closer still. And they wouldn’t call a razor that’s basically a blade on stick a ‘Turbo’ if it wasn’t precision-engineered like a £300,000 sports car.
Wot, no meat?
Remember that 80s campaign? It basically said it was wrong and deviant to eat a meal that did not contain meat. But that had no influence on me giving up vegetarianism in my teens. I independently came to the conclusion I was a abnormal little hippy wanker who lacked the courage to constantly eat meat, so I got straight back on the burgers, sausages and pork scratchings. That was my sensible decision and mine alone.
There’s no way I’d fall for all that nonsense about indulging your inner James Bond, feeling the confident macho satisfaction of powering down the open road with a firm, manly hand on the gearstick. The reason I replaced my Fiat Punto with a Ford Mustang GT is it saves me so much time going to the shops. And I just happen to like driving alone on remote rural roads wearing a tuxedo.