I know you are a sentimental fool who feels sad your nan died of Covid and angry that Boris was at a party while it happened, but it was two years ago, so man up and get over it.
We claim to be the party that is tough on crime, but it’s important that you understand we only mean some crime, and certainly not crime that that happened way back in 2020, and definitely not crime committed by the prime minister.
Boris has an important job to do, which means we have to allow him to f**k up with the little things so he can concentrate on the big things. I know you don’t think attending a party after explicitly banning them was a small thing, but that’s why we’re politicians and you aren’t, you pleb.
Getting upset about people who died in the recent past just isn’t worth it. It won’t bring your elderly relative back. And we don’t really want them back anyway, do we? Old people live miserable lives under Conservative rule, don’t pay tax and are a drain on the NHS so it’s the kindest thing for everyone that they’re dead. See, I can do compassion.
So let’s pull our socks up, put our best foot forward and forget all this silly, frivolous nonsense about parties. We’re fighting a war, you know. There’s a cost of living crisis, in case you hadn’t noticed. Our time would be much better spent doing f**k all about those things instead.
Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, MP
PS. You’re bloody lucky to get a reply at all.
PPS. Vote for me at the next election or Labour will steal your children and turn them into non-binary Marxist eco-terrorists.