How to convince yourself social media is more trustworthy than real news

DO you find that things you read in the ‘mainstream media’ don’t fit with your insane beliefs? Here’s how to convince yourself social media is more credible.

Everyone agrees with me

In the echo chamber of political ranters, racists and conspiracy theorists on social media everyone probably does agree with you. Sadly, this is not due to your amazing insights, it’s because they don’t have any friends.

The mainstream media is full of bias and lies

All news outlets have their own biases, which most people over the age of 12 realise. What it doesn’t mean is that you have to believe a random bloke called Alan in an online forum who thinks the EU is trying to turn Europe Islamic.

It’s way easier to read

Can’t disagree here. Newspaper articles require you to digest information for minutes or more, whereas tweets only take seconds. YouTube videos by strange men in dark bedrooms are best because you don’t even have to move your eyeballs to absorb bullshit. Sorry, ‘facts’.

Everyone in the MSM is corrupt

The only reason newspapers publish positive stories about the Covid vaccine is because every single journalist is in the pay of dark forces. Even your local paper The Plymouth Advertiser.

Donald Trump said so

If you believe Donald Trump over the MSM because he’s a man of the people and they’re part of the liberal metropolitan elite, you’re so far down a demented right-wing rabbit hole you probably think Bill Gates is implanting everyone with communist microchips.

Social media tells the truth

About paedophiles and liberals controlling the mainstream media. And the lizard people, obviously.

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Boris Johnson's guide to taking credit for someone else's achievements

GOOD morning. As a man whose achievements are no more than broken marriages and a useless cable car, I find myself having to take credit for other people’s. Here’s how:

Mention them in the same sentence

‘I enjoyed eight successful years as Mayor of London alongside Barack Obama, president of the United States for the same period.’ You’re not actually lying, just misleadingly associating. ‘The UK is blazing a pioneering trail by licensing this vaccine as we leave the EU.’ See?

Always be out front

So the developers of the vaccine are a couple of Turks in a lab in Germany? Well, they don’t have the power to get Pointless cancelled for a press conference starring themselves, and I do. The more idiotic cod-explanatory waffle I throw in, the more everyone’s looking at me.

Be in power

Technically, this vaccine was created under my authority as prime minister. Technically, the great blowjob Jordan Gardner of Reading received this summer was under my authority as prime minister. All of the good things happened under me. All the bad things aren’t my fault, though.

Furiously rebuff criticism on others’ behalf

Whenever Keir Starmer criticises the government’s track-and-trace f**k-ups, I leap to my feet and tear a strip off him for the terrible things he’s saying about our hard-working doctors and nurses battling away through this crisis. And suddenly it’s like I’m one of them.

Fake humility

Apparently some people are ‘humble’ about their achievements. How curious. I wonder why? Anyway, I’ve discovered that if you’re humble about the wonderful things someone else has done, abashedly repeating you don’t deserve credit and so on, people will think you had something to do with it. I know. They’re idiots.

When in doubt, Latin

Someone’s done something clever? Someone’s quoting Catullus at length in the original Latin? Must be the same clever guy!

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