How to write a celebrity lingerie article for the Daily Mail: A tutorial

AS the shining light of British journalism, the Daily Mail leads the way in stories depicting celebrities modelling underwear. How do they achieve excellence time after time? 

Banish all shame

As a journalist, you are the eyes and ears of the public. And writing an article for the titillation of unattractive men masturbating over Sabrina Carpenter until they jizz on the carpet is in the public interest. How else would they know about her collaboration with Skims? Would you have them rely on advertising?

Use the phrase ‘VERY skimpy lingerie’

It is important to emphasise that the lingerie is not merely ‘skimpy’ or ‘quite skimpy’. Imply that the extreme skimpiness may enable the viewer to see something more explicit, such as a bare nipple or ideally a vagina. If these are exposed, denounce the images as vile pornographic filth.

Also use ‘posed up a storm’

The origin of this expression is unknown. It’s also a calculated assault on grammar, which on the face of it goes against your paper’s love of traditional education, ie memorising the date of every battle Britain has won since 1500.

Mention ‘racy comments’

These images of Khloe Kardashian, Helen Flanagan or whoever may already have featured on social media, so add comments. Be carefuly to select only printable ones from lecherous men, ie ‘Gorgeous lady’ rather than ‘id smash that bitch hard’. Keep the misogyny wholesome.

Stop for a necessary wank

However detached and professional you are, celebrity lingerie shots are liable to arouse you. Stop for a wank to increase your efficiency. Retire to the toilets if you’re based in the Mail’s office, although given the number of lingerie articles published it’s probably normal to wank over Rihanna at your desk.

Include the words ‘busty display’

By definition any woman modelling a bra will be putting on a busty display rather than, say, an aeronautical display. However, it is important to maintain the fiction that she is ‘displaying’ her body to lure weak, helpless men like a Siren, or Sydney Sweeney.

Where appropriate, insert ‘age-defying’

If the subject is over 40, such as 50-year-old Mail regular Heidi Klum, highlight her youthful looks and trim figure every time. The compliment should imply that all other middle-aged women are sickeningly unattractive and should remain fully covered indoors.

Add any buzzwords you’ve left out

Be sure not to leave out any mandatory Mail lines like ‘wowed fans’. With practise you’ll instinctively churn out the most vapid sentences ever constructed. ‘Kate Upton wowed fans and sent temperatures soaring when she flashed her assets in a seductive show of her jaw-dropping curves’ is the standard to aspire to.

Congratulate yourself

If you’ve completed this tutorial, you are now qualified to write celebrity lingerie articles for masturbating right-wingers. No journalist could aspire to more. Admittedly you envisioned your career as being more Watergate, but it’s this or working on Industrial Valves Monthly.

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Post Office blames postmasters for counterfeit stamps, bad weather and the decline of the Arctic Monkeys

THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault. 

Following the discovery that stamps sold over Post Office counters are being scanned as counterfeit, the Post Office wasted no time in confirming there cannot be any error in its computing systems therefore postmasters are to blame for it and for so much more.

A spokesman said: “As Sherlock Holmes said, once you eliminate the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. And it’s impossible we could be at fault.

“The only conclusion, therefore, is that postmasters are selling counterfeits as real, are seeding clouds to create rain, drive footfall and sell greetings cards, and secretly played lift muzak while Alex Turner was sleeping to steer him in a new direction.

“Why else would these stamps be showing up as fake? Why else would the spring weather, normally so clement, be so foul? Why else would a hugely successful rock band turn so disastrously to easy listening? Except postmasters?

“In the meantime, our advice to the public to pay their £5 fines, wear a coat, and pray that the Monkeys’ take heed of the muted reception to The Car. Don’t worry. Prosecutions will be forthcoming.”

He added: “We never found out what killed the dinosaurs, did we? Hmm. I have a theory. Actually might as well call it fact.”