Old adverts you'd like to have permanently wiped from your brain

WE all know the Shake n’Vac advert was designed to be so dreadful you’d never forget it. But there are plenty more you’d happily have your memory erased to get rid of: 

Midland Bank

‘Come and talk, talk to the Midland. Come and talk… to the listening bank’. Unfortunately this annoyingly cheerful jingle will suddenly start playing on repeat in your brain decades after the 80s ended. The Midland doesn’t even exist anymore, for f**k’s sake. 


‘If you’re sat around at home, make new friends on the telephone’. This late-night phone chat horror is more firmly embedded in your head than an alien parasite. And helpfully reminds you that you were indeed sat around at 2am being targeted by a phone service for society’s biggest losers.   

For mash get Smash

The robots were amusing enough but there was a problem: Smash is absolutely disgusting. The short yet strangely memorable jingle should have gone: ‘For mash, boil a potato you lazy f**k.’

Cornetto gondola ad

‘Just one Cornetto, give it to me…’ etc. The numerous problems of this earworm are: (1) It may be a pastiche, but if you hate opera, it’s still opera. (2) This advert is still the full extent of most Britons’ knowledge of Italian culture. (3) He nicks a lady’s Cornetto, ruling out sex with a beautiful woman for the sake of a cheap ice cream you could buy in any tatty newsagent’s in Crewe. 

TSB, the bank that likes to say ‘yes’

We’d all like to say ‘yes’. ‘Yes, you can have a real dinosaur as a pet.’ ‘Yes, you could easily be mistaken for a supermodel.’ But when push came to shove, TSB was a hard-nosed retail bank that would have said ‘no’ without a moment’s hesitation, eg. ‘No, we are not going to call off the bailiffs.’ (Although in fairness they did earlier say ‘yes’ to a credit card.)

Kellogg’s Bran Flakes

‘They’re tasty, tasty, very very tasty. They’re very tasty. (Beat) They’re very tasty.’ Surely worthy of an Ivor Novello award. The only issue is that Bran Flakes are not ‘very tasty’, more ‘very cardboardy’. And always remind you of your gran discussing keeping her bowel movements ‘regular’. Yum.

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The Christian baker's guide to not making a gay cake

CHRISTIAN bakers are bravely holding out against making cakes for gay people. As the ECHR drops a case against two of them, godly baker Martin Bishop explains how to keep your cakes straight.

Subvert the gay message

If you receive an order for a cake saying ‘Support gay marriage’, change it to ‘Be a heterosexual man and marry a lady’. Hey presto, the gays expecting a gay cake will be exposed to a straight message, become normal and stop hanging round public toilets. 

Have the cake exorcised

If you’ve got a gay cake on your premises, play it safe and get a priest to cast out demons from it. Then burn it at the stake while reciting the Lord’s Prayer. The last thing you want is a possessed Victoria sponge making your customers commit depraved acts I cannot bring myself to repeat here.

Make your cakes aggressively straight

To deter mincing homosexuals, decorate cakes with robustly heterosexual icing sugar images: a man buying a Black & Decker Workmate in B&Q, or a woman doing housework to please her husband. Pride flags and rainbows are out of the question, along with fairies, obviously. 

Challenge gay cakes in the courts 

People might claim you should just get on with making a bloody cake, because that’s your job and it’s a totally trivial issue anyway. No. You should spend years fighting requests for gay-themed cakes in the courts. What’s the point of a legal system if it won’t address the sexual orientation of a lemon drizzle cake?

Pray for gay cakes

God does not hate the cake, just its lifestyle choices. Pray for the cake to repent, so that when it has been cut up into slices and eaten its immortal soul will still get into cake Heaven.

Use conversion therapy

Conversion therapy will stop your cake having unnatural urges. Ask the cake if it really wants to be gay, or is it just doing it because of peer pressure? It may be a traumatic process for the cake, but it will thank you later when it realises it doesn’t have to wear an earring and listen to Bronski Beat.