Olivia Colman, and other people who need less representation in the media

DIVERSITY and equality in the media are good things. However these people have too much representation and need to be marginalised immediately.

Olivia Colman

The first time you saw what’s-her-face who played Sophie from Peep Show star in something else you were happy for her. But over time that excitement has soured into weary regret because now she pops up in f**king everything and ruins your suspension of disbelief. Why? Because she’s a hilarious, talented performer everyone loves? Ridiculous.

The Go Compare guy

The deafening Welsh opera singer’s representation is just 30-second adverts, but that’s still far too much. In the spirit of fairness he should be confined to one performance a year on an obscure channel no one watches, like the fishing one. The same goes for those f**king meerkats, who stopped being entertaining ten minutes after their first appearance. 

Question Time audiences

The hollering gibbons who make up the Question Time audience have had their say for decades, and what have they achieved in that time? Nothing, except maybe Brexit. They should be sacked for incompetence and replaced by kittens, because they’re more fun to watch and better-informed about current affairs.

Oxbridge graduates

Clever clogs from these hallowed institutions of learning are f**king everywhere in the media, limiting the range of views represented and discriminating against thick people. The cleverdicks must have used their massive brains to deduce that the media is a cushy number with more free drinks than dusty old academia.

Piers Morgan

‘Phew,’ you thought, after Morgan stormed off the set of Good Morning Britain, ‘that’s the last I’ve seen of that ill-informed King of the Gammons dickhead who’s still got blue balls for Meghan.’ Sadly not. He’s got his own show now and his newspaper column, when what he should have is a restraining order from TV studios, publishing companies and the internet.

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When you find out about my epic tax avoidance, not sacking Zahawi will make total sense

‘WHY hasn’t Zahawi resigned?’ ask the media, and I laugh. Honestly, if I dismissed him for that where would I be when you find out about my tax avoidance?

Credit to Nadhim, when he gets a £27 million windfall his first thought is ‘How do I stop the tax bastards getting hold of this?’ I admire his instincts.

But he was clumsy and obvious. His tax avoidance had no style, no élan. ‘Blundering around like that makes the rest of us look bad,’ I told him, while agreeing he deserved to stay chairman because at least he didn’t just pay it like a mug.

The truth is I couldn’t find it in my heart to punish him because, compared to the sheer scope of my international tax-avoiding architecture, it’s nothing.

Honestly, it is a thing of beauty. A vast network of shell companies with offices in a glittering range of tax havens, all interconnected in a byzantine labyrinth of directorships, so complicated even the most dedicated auditor could never unpick it.

The media will find out. There’s too many millions for them not to. When they do I will stand there, Zahawi by my side, and proclaim proudly that I will not be resigning.

‘In post-Brexit Britain,’ I will say, ‘avoiding tax is not a crime. It is a patriotic duty. Why else did we leave the EU if not to be free of its unreasonable demands that rich people chip in a bit?’

The public, led by the Sun and the Mail and the Telegraph, will cheer. We will begin a new era together as the world’s first no-tax nation. And I personally will get a £66 million rebate from HMRC.