Olympic commentators using made-up words

BBC presenters commentating on Olympic events are making it all up, it has been confirmed.

With over 300 different events on offer, commentators are using terms that sound convincing such as ‘gripple’ and ‘belf’.

Presenter Clare Balding said: “I was covering the 5000m heavyweight kayak – or whatever the fuck it was – and I just started naming Pokemon every time something happened.

“So for anyone who was actually watching, the Italian team probably didn’t Jigglypuff the Rattata in the closing Bulbasaur.”

Viewers contacted the BBC yesterday when it became obvious that the dressage commentary was just the ingredients for chicken tikka masala with the occasional use of the word ‘saddle’.

A BBC spokesman said: “Most of these sports, if that’s what we’re calling them, are so obscure that if you know anything about them you’re in Rio doing them.”

Proper Olympics finally start

SEVEN days after the opening ceremony, the Olympics will finally begin.

After a full week of pseudo-sports including dressing gown wrestling, falling into a swimming pool and three-a-side rugby, viewers can now focus on the events they will actually remember.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There I was, at one in the morning, in my underpants, watching a man in a boat on the television. What the hell is that about?’.

“People running, throwing, jumping. That’s something we can relate to. Not bending themselves around a bar, or lunging at an invisible shuttlecock.”

Meanwhile, it has been confirmed the long jump heats will be delayed after the sand in the pit turned green.