Six childhood adverts that really took the piss with the truth

YOUR underdeveloped childhood brain wasn’t great at spotting lies in advertising. Here are some that really took advantage of the fact…

Matey removed the need for washing yourself

Matey bubble bath claimed to clean you merely by being in the bathwater. And you were thrilled to avoid the punishing effort of a quick wash, you lazy little shit. Except it wasn’t true and this revolutionary cleansing technique was actually just ‘sitting in warm water’.

Action Man ‘eagle eyes’ were a brilliant innovation

The only difference these made was Action Man being able to move his eyes to the far right or left. All the fun of having an eye test and being checked for retinal bleeding. Was introduced around the same time as Bullet Man and the Intruder who didn’t fit with whole military theme, so maybe Palitoy just ran out of ideas that year. 

Evel Knievel was in some way functional

These notoriously untruthful adverts claimed your Evel doll on a ‘stunt cycle’ could perform jumps, wheelies and leaps over ditches. Actually 19 times out of 20 he would travel six inches then topple over. This is not how the real Mr Knievel got his legendary reputation, unless he did a lot of very dull shows that weren’t on TV.

Milky Ways are good for you

Remember ‘the red car and the blue car had a race’? The fat bastard red car ate too much and fell into a ravine, whereas the blue car only ate Milky Ways, and thanks to their lightness won the race. A brilliant, if devious, way of convincing mums Milky Ways were good for kids’ health. However most dieticians would agree that too much sugar coated in sugary chocolate (basically the Milky Way recipe) will eventually cause tooth decay, obesity and death.

Long-distance lorry driving is a great future career (Yorkie) 

The lorry driver in the advert got admiring looks from pretty ladies and loved his work. Actually driving overnight to Dusseldorf is knackering, lonely and not as well paid as you’d think. If you’d fallen for Rowntree’s propaganda you’d currently be an unhealthy 50-something worrying about losing his job while sitting in a 20-mile Brexit queue outside Dover.

Operation was endless fun 

Every household in the UK seemed to own this organ removal game. The advert made it look thrilling but any child with a steady hand (ie. you weren’t an alcoholic aged seven) quickly got the hang of it and lost interest. It’s unlikely humorous treatments such as removing butterflies from the patient’s stomach set any kids on the road to medical school, but it may have whetted the appetite of the odd serial killer.

How Rishi Sunak's budget f**ks you over: A breakdown

WHETHER you’re a hard-working family, lazy and single or deservedly retired, yesterday’s spring statement is f**king you right over. Here’s how it breaks down.

The comfortably-off

Meaningless cut in fuel duty that doesn’t cover the rise in price since Monday will hit four-car families, one of which is a Range Rover Overfinch, hard.

Rises in energy bills much worse when you’re in a four-bedroom house with garden office. Nobody thinks about the cost of huge windows and high ceilings.

No change to punitive duty on cognac means hard-drinking, stressed-out senior managers will pay hundreds more on booze a year.

The squeezed middle

Families who believe the world revolves around their nice middle-classness will struggle with higher food bills and must continue pretending it’s fun visiting Lidl.

The stealth tax on student loans is unfair on your children Alice and Theodora, who are being punished for daring to aspire to six-figure graduate incomes.

No cut in duty on wine means families who work bloody hard actually will pay hundreds more on booze a year.

Proud workers

Households with vans parked outside who earn a living as electricians, delivery drivers or illegal fly-tippers will suffer from rising fuel costs.

Keeping a 70″ TV on all day, regardless of whether anyone is watching it, means a staggering rise in electricity bills.

No cut in duty on beer means couples who share eight cans to chill out every night will pay hundreds more on booze a year.

Retirees

Keeping the suspension of the triple lock on state pensions leaves the retired unprotected against inflation, whether shuffling around M&S Food or going for a country drive at 25mph.

No cut in duty on gin and whiskey means hundreds more etcetera.

The homeless

Unaffected by national insurance changes or corporation tax, but f**king hell, you’ve got more important things to worry about. You’re homeless.

However huge cuts in living standards mean increased competition for begging pitches and tents under flyovers.

No cut in duty on white cider means hundreds more on booze a year. 

Boris Johnson

A promised penny off income tax in two years when living standards are collapsing right now might be the last nail in the coffin of Mr Partygate, if he’s even prime minister by then. Or the idiots might still think he’s a good laugh who’s doing Brexit.