YOUR underdeveloped childhood brain wasn’t great at spotting lies in advertising. Here are some that really took advantage of the fact…
Matey removed the need for washing yourself
Matey bubble bath claimed to clean you merely by being in the bathwater. And you were thrilled to avoid the punishing effort of a quick wash, you lazy little shit. Except it wasn’t true and this revolutionary cleansing technique was actually just ‘sitting in warm water’.
Action Man’s Eagle Eyes were a brilliant innovation
The only difference these made was Action Man being able to move his eyes to the far right or left. All the fun of having an eye test and being checked for retinal bleeding. Was introduced around the same time as Bullet Man and the Intruder who didn’t fit with whole military theme, so maybe Palitoy just ran out of ideas that year.
Evel Knievel was in some way functional
These notoriously untruthful adverts claimed your Evel doll on a ‘stunt cycle’ could perform jumps, wheelies and leaps over ditches. Actually 19 times out of 20 he would travel six inches then topple over. This is not how the real Mr Knievel got his legendary reputation, unless he did a lot of very dull shows that weren’t on TV.
Milky Ways are good for you
Remember ‘the red car and the blue car had a race’? The fat bastard red car ate too much and fell into a ravine, whereas the blue car only ate Milky Ways, and thanks to their lightness won the race. A brilliant, if devious, way of convincing mums Milky Ways were good for kids’ health. However most dieticians would agree that too much sugar coated in sugary chocolate (basically the Milky Way recipe) will eventually cause tooth decay, obesity and death.
Long-distance lorry driving is a great future career
The lorry driver in the Yorkie advert got admiring looks from pretty ladies and loved his work. Actually driving overnight to Dusseldorf is knackering, lonely and not as well paid as you’d think. If you’d fallen for Rowntree’s propaganda you’d currently be an unhealthy 50-something worrying about losing his job while sitting in a 20-mile Brexit queue outside Dover.
Operation was endless fun
Every household in the UK seemed to own this organ removal game. The advert made it look thrilling but any child with a steady hand (ie. you weren’t an alcoholic aged seven) quickly got the hang of it and lost interest. It’s unlikely humorous treatments such as removing butterflies from the patient’s stomach set any kids on the road to medical school, but it may have whetted the appetite of the odd serial killer.
