Six supremely middle-class problems to write a newspaper column about

DO you write a column about your bourgeois life for a national newspaper? Need topics? Try these to get you started: 

Not losing weight

Anyone can lose weight, but pretending it’s empowering to be porky is the stuff of great columns. And since it’s something you’re not doing it’s as thrilling as an account of not visiting Thailand. Six months later get a personal trainer, lose the blubber and brag about how great you feel.

Your child’s academic achievements

You have a national platform, so why not use it to grind your own personal axe about Felix or Persephone not getting into Oxford? Be highly melodramatic about it, with headlines like, ‘My daughter was rejected by Corpus Christie. Will her heart ever heal?’

Domestic repair work

Houses are always needing to be fixed or repaired or extended, and your deadline’s now and there’s a bloke in the house with spanners, so why not write 1,200 words about him?

Your middle-class partner

Make them really sensible while you’re a daffy one-off, or use them to animate your tiresome cliches ie ‘sometimes I think Peter loves his shed more than me!’ Actually Peter rarely visits his shed because he’s busy managing the property empire bought with your faux-naive columns.

Anything that only affects you

Never hesitate to bang on about an issue that 99.91 per cent of the population will never encounter. Council refusing you planning permission for a moat? Moan about it like it’s a national concern up there with child poverty.

Actually writing the column

You’ve reached the bottom of the barrel, but keep scraping. Readers love 900 words about being too distracted to write 900 words, or intermittent home broadband.

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Amazing man can see week into England's future by watching Scottish news

AN incredible prophet can see a week into the future of England by watching the news on BBC Scotland. 

Nathan Muir of Hitchin has wowed friends with his incredible prognostication abilities but insists he is not psychic but just able to read the future by seeing what Nicola Sturgeon does.

He said: “It began a few weeks ago, when I confidently predicted that Gavin Williamson would U-turn on A-level results even when he was insisting he definitely wouldn’t.

“My mates were shocked, and even more so when I knew before it happened that the Tories would completely reverse their position on masks in schools.

“People are looking at me like I’m some kind of Nostradamus, but all I’m doing is turning to channel 951 on Sky, watching the news and telling everyone about it before three days pass and it takes place.

“It’s kind like when you used to sneak home and watch lunchtime Neighbours and impress other kids with your knowledge of the plot. But with slightly more in the way of consequences.”

A Downing Street source said: “Shit. We didn’t think anyone knew about Scotland.”