Six TV shows that used to be so massive they made headlines

THERE were once normal television shows, as boring as The One Show, that were so popular they made national headlines. Even though it was this shit: 

I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here

In the early years of the millennium even discerning TV viewers were gripped by the surreal mix of celebs and sadistic challenges like eating a pig’s uterus. The unexpected Peter Andre-Jordan romance pushed Iraq off front pages. Today, nobody would look up from their ready meal if Lenny Henry was being inserted into a crocodile’s anus.

EastEnders in the 80s

Got non-stop press coverage as if Dirty Den and Angie were real people, suggesting the viewers were insane. Capitalising on social issues like AIDS and domestic violence helped, but those happy times have gone and now it’s only realistic if your family all have dark secrets and there’s a local murder every Christmas without fail.

Derren Brown: Mind Control

Caused genuine consternation that Derren might actually be controlling people’s minds and turning them into assassins. It actually employed the complex psychological phenomenon known as ‘Doing what you’re told on TV because you don’t actually believe they’ll make you kill someone’.

Crimewatch UK 

Who didn’t love real crime that could happen to you? ‘Don’t have nightmares,’ Nick Ross would say hypocritically after a reconstruction of a family horrifically tortured by burglars while getting ready for bed after watching Crimewatch UK.

That’s Life 

Frequently made it into the press with reports on innocent Brits being dismembered by Spanish holiday resort lifts, and of course Skoal Bandits. But also made headlines with inane pranks and smutty vegetables that appeared to have tiny cocks or tits. They were happier times.

Big Brother 

For an insane few years every series was news, from the contestants’ clever tactics to that one who stuck a bottle up her fanny. The excessive coverage continued long after it became apparent they were dead-eyed attention-seekers who’d do anything to be famous, a glittering crown already claimed by Rebecca Loos for wanking off a pig on Channel 5.

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'I do not brief the press' says furious William in private press briefing

THE Duke of Cambridge has denied allegations that he privately briefs the media in a private briefing to the media. 

As the Royal family once again all slag each other off for our moral betterment, the heir to the throne has flatly denied briefing friendly media contacts leading the public to presume they got that information by f**king telepathy.

A non-attributable off-the-record source said: “William? Never met him. No, he’s not here and he’s certainly not on the line. That heavy breathing is my dog.

“Anyway, by a method I cannot divulge I can confirm that the Duke of Cambridge is furious with his brother for openly running to the American media because that’s not how it’s done, the ginger snitch.

“Why he and his woke Yank crybaby wife couldn’t simply nuture a network of contacts by drip-feeding them stories about other Royals he’ll never understand. Leak some filth on Andrew. Nobody will complain.

“It is disappointing when overblown and unfounded claims are given credibility. No, not the stuff about Meghan bullying staff. That’s gospel. Kate saw the bitch flushing a maid’s head in a toilet herself. She says print that, but don’t say it’s from her.”

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex continue to be in California, where they do not have to give any of this the least bit of attention.