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The Tory guide to knocking off your parents to keep their house

NEW social care laws mean your elderly parents will have to sell their home to pay for their care, unless they live in the South-East. Care minister Gillian Keegan explains how to hang onto your inheritance: 

Stairs are the perfect accomplice

Nobody wants to see their parents fall to their deaths, so as a precaution loosen a couple of stairs to see if they pose a risk. Don’t mention it as you don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. Unplug any hallway phones and take them to be tested as part of your home safety MOT.

Cook for them

So much can go wrong in the kitchen, and it’s non-attributable. Show gratitude to your parents for their house which will soon be yours by making a lovely meal. Don’t overcook the chicken. Check that it’s a nice pink/reddish colour, so cooked through while still deliciously tender.

Be aware of trip hazards

Old people often live in cluttered homes full of things they could easily trip over. Protect them by buying lots of small rugs and draught excluders in the shape of snakes and sausage dogs so that if they do take a tumble they’ll have a nice soft landing.

Keep them warm 

Colds and flu can be killers for the elderly, so keep them warm. An electric fire balanced on the bath takes the chill off the room. Get their boiler replaced too, and they’d probably like an old traditional one, so buy second-hand or from a skip. The Blitz generation aren’t bothered by that carbon monoxide nonsense.

Accept they’re not getting any younger

If they’re very old – say, 70 – it’s time to think about their dignity. Letting them rot away in a comfy care home with friendly staff is downright cruel when you can cut brake cables and suggest a lovely day out at nearby cliffs.

The direct approach

Let’s not beat around the bush. It’s your birthright to inherit their parents’ house so you’re entirely justified in murdering them. Many poisons are hard to detect, and professional killers are cheaper than ever. The main thing is to do what’s right, and that’s us not losing votes over a bunch of decrepit bloody oldies.

Daddy Pig turns up to work pissed

POPULAR cartoon character Daddy Pig has arrived at work to give an important speech rambling and obviously drunk. 

The character, who has always been boastful and convinced of his own brilliance despite copious evidence to the contrary, shocked the Royal Institute of Animal Architects with a bizarre, incoherent speech which appeared to be the result of intoxication.

An attendee said: “He staggered to the podium and started going on about a recent visit to Potato City, which he appeared to think would be of relevance to a group of serious businessmen even though it’s a theme park for children.

“Then he made a joke about ‘buyer’s remorse’ related to his recent marriage to Madame Gazelle, which everyone thought was in bad taste given he’s left Mummy Pig with both kids.

“Then he was silent for two minutes and seemed to have dozed off, then went off on a tangent about his days as champion puddle-jumper, then said ‘Who needs f**king business anyway? Miss Rabbit does every f**king job.’

“Then he urinated on the podium, staggered away to his red car, jumped in, drove it down one hill and up another and into a wall.

“After which he said he’d got over the points he wanted to make and it went over well, and the entire audience fell down on one side laughing uncontrollably.”