Thanks for doing a horrible little countdown, world tells media

THE world has thanked the media for keeping them fully up to date with an unpleasant and exploitative countdown.

The countdown is being repeated so frequently you could name the correct number without checking, while you are kept aware of a possible tragedy you are powerless to stop.

Martin Bishop of Leeds said: “Even the BBC keeps reminding me it’s a ‘race against time’. Thanks for that, lads. Sure there’s nothing else you could be doing?

“Why don’t you all put it as a little two-digit real-time block in the corner of your screens? Ah, I see you’re way ahead of me. Wouldn’t want to lose track after all.

“Nothing like subliminal reminders of impending horror as you go about your day, is there? Nothing ghoulish about that, it’s the news, it’s fine. As you keep saying, you’re hoping for the best!

“Oh look at that, it’s clicked over.”

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Man doesn't get that smiley face emoji means 'stop typing'

A MAN has blundered ahead and tried to keep a conversation going despite being sent a smiley face emoji.

Ryan Whittaker was messaging work colleague Charlotte Phelps to tell her he had just watched an episode of Black Mirror when she replied with the cheerful disembodied head.

Failing to understand the international code for ‘Okay, now leave me alone’, he replied telling her the plot, which involved technology going awry in an unexpected way again, and suggesting she might enjoy watching it.

Charlotte said: “It was 9.30pm. I was bone-tired after a hard day and wanted to read in peace for a bit. He just kept wittering on and on, even when I sent him a single thumbs-up emoji in a desperate attempt to end the conversation.

“It’s bad enough he bombards me with memes at work, but I can’t even get away from him at home. I can’t work out if he’s trying to chat me up or if he’s just lonely. 

“Actually I don’t think he’s chatting me up as he once messaged at 11.30pm to tell me he’d just had a massive dump.”

Communications expert Helen Archer said: “Some people just don’t understand the real meanings behind emojis, like when your mum uses the aubergine emoji. 

“Unfortunately, the best way to deal with idiots who don’t know you’re telling them to shut up and go away is to ignore the message. And for God’s sake disable the message receipts feature on WhatsApp.”