Ministers Unveil Plans For 'Road' Between Edinburgh And Glasgow

SCOTLAND'S transport system is to be revolutionised with the construction of the first 'road' between Scotland's two major cities.

For years travellers have been forced to negotiate a series of farm tacks, tow paths and gravel tips.

But after extensive research the Scottish Executive has now approved plans for a futuristic 'road' or 'motorway'.

A Scottish Executive spokesman said: "We realised that other European countries have roads between major population centres and it seems to work very well."

The new 'road' will be constructed primarily of tarmac and will have white painted lines to differentiate between lanes.

The spokesman added: "There will be a low fence in the middle for safety reasons as some vehicles may now be able to reach speeds of 30 or even 35 miles per hour.

"We've gone for three lanes in each direction. We looked at having two lanes each way but soon realised that was completely and utterly insane."

But the Executive has also rejected calls for a floating 'bullet train' across the central belt. The spokesman said: "It looks good on paper but in reality it means sitting next to people from Falkirk."

Transport minister Stewart Stevenson said the new 'road' would help Scotland compete with its African rivals adding: "Meep, meep, meep. Meep, meep."

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Satanic Verses Sends Suicide Bomber To Sleep

A WOULD-BE British suicide bomber failed to blow himself up after he fell asleep on the train while reading Sir Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses, it has emerged.

Mohammed Al Inseini, 32, boarded the 8.04am Cloy to Old Cumnock express determined to detonate himself on arrival at the Clackmannanshire town in protest at the author’s recent knighthood.

Mr Al Inseini began reading Sir Salman’s controversial book in a bid to stoke his religious fervour and give him the courage to perform his terrible act.

But half way through the opening page he nodded off, missed his stop and had to be roused by the guard when the train ended its journey at Old Cumnock Halt.

Mr Al Inseini said: “When I first woke up I believed myself to be in paradise, yet instead of the 72 virgins I was promised all I could see was a fat sweaty man in a ScotRail uniform.

“Then I caught sight of the disused gasworks and I realised that I was not in heaven but the hell that is Old Cumnock.”

Mr Al Inseini said that, on reflection, The Satanic Verses was not the most evil book in the world but instead just "a turgid load of old shite".

"Frankly, I can't see what all the fuss is about." he added. 

Jim McKay, the ScotRail guard who finally confronted the would-be bomber, said he was “shocked and terrified” by Mr Al Inseini’s behaviour.

He said: “The terrorist lad explained that he only had a one way ticket to Old Cumnock because he had planned to blow himself up and assassinate the rest of us.

“When I pointed out that his failure to explode was not really my problem and that I wanted another £3 for his staying on to the next stop he became quite abusive. It really was quite frightening.”