2000 AD reader ruins date by saying woman looks 'zarjaz'

A MAN has ruined his chance to form a romantic relationship by using an invented slang word to describe his date.

Avid 2000 AD reader and self-described ‘Earthlet’ Tom Booker made the faux pas when he greeted hapless Bumble match Donna Sheridan for their date at Pizza Express in Barnstaple.

Booker said: “Everything was going well until about five seconds in when I said that she was looking zarjaz. Apparently the lexicon of 2000 AD editor Tharg the Mighty isn’t as well known in Brit-Cit as it used to be.”

Adjusting his Halo Jones T-shirt, Booker added: “I tried to explain to her that it’s the highest form of praise. If she picked up a prog of the Galaxy’s Greatest Comic once in a while she’d know that.”

Sheridan said: “Call me old fashioned but I like a date to start with a kiss on the cheek or a bouquet of flowers, not gibberish spouted by some editor from the planet Quaxxann. Also I prefer to read Toxic!, the short-lived rival to 2000 AD that ran for 31 issues between March 28 and October 24, 1991.”

Booker added: “I call my penis the Lawgiver.”

How to handle a family car journey without jumping out the f*cking window

ARE you about to be trapped inside a metal box on wheels with your family for hours on end? Here’s how to survive:

Save yourself having to answer 60 annoying questions per minute by making a playlist featuring recordings of you saying ‘we’ll be there when we f*cking get there’, ‘I don’t know who that driver is, I just waved to say thank you’ and ‘urinate into the bottle’.

Avoid having to explain what ‘stupid old w*nker’ and ‘f*ckhead lorry driver’ means while you are on the motorway, by teaching them all the swear words before you leave.

When the kids ask ‘are we nearly there?’ 30 seconds into the journey, shut them up by explaining that, ‘yes, we are nearly there, because we are going on holiday in that big f*cking wheely bin at the end of our drive’.

Do not enter a service station – even just to use the toilet. They are filled with ghastly people and everything is expense and sh”*t. Apart from Tebay on the M6 where it’s just expensive.

Sod the f*cking lot of them. Get the train and meet them there.