30 questions your partner already knows the answer to

YOU know the answer, your partner knows the answer, but you must go through the ritual of these questions to prove their dominance and your rubbishness.

Why is your bike in the kitchen again?

Just one pint?

Didn’t you say you’d fixed that?

Why did the TV come on to Babestation?

I don’t have to get out of bed at 3am to catch a bloody moth, do I?

You don’t find all those ridiculous muscles attractive, do you?

Did you use the air freshener?

Do you think I’d make a better Barbie than Margot Robbie?

I deleted the numbers of my exes from my phone ages ago, did you?

Have you been sat there all this time?

You’re not expecting me to go all the way back to Asda for one thing, are you?

Or does this look better on me, be honest?

Do you think if you cleared some of the crap out of the shed you could fit a bed in?

Shall I get my acoustic guitar out?

So am I getting an orgasm too?

You won’t forget my birthday after last time, will you?

You do realise she’s photoshopped and doesn’t really look like that?

Didn’t you put any sunscreen on?

Do you want cornflakes or shall I make you some chips for breakfast?

Are the batteries the right way round?

You did remember to load the washing machine and turn it on?

How many times do I have to say it doesn’t go in there?

So how come he’s your dog when he wants stroking, but the family dog when he needs walking?

Then how come there’s car paint on the garden wall?

You don’t mind me buying a drone, do you?

What are these ‘miscellaneous services’ payments on our bank statement for?

Is it my fault a mate is having his birthday when your parents are coming round, again?

Does the rubbish recycle itself in the house?

You don’t mind me taking a break from the painting, do you?

Didn’t your team play last Saturday?

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GB News presenters in the order you'd have sex with them

IN an admittedly unlikely scenario, you might have to shag all the presenters on GB News. So what order would you do them in, and is there any way to minimise the trauma? Let’s find out.

Michelle Dewberry

Obvious frontrunner as she’s fit, although Christ knows you wouldn’t want to listen to her bullshit about Brexit AND The Apprentice. However any sexual attraction will instantly be quashed by recalling the dreadful title of her GB News show: Dewbs & Co.

Bev Turner 

Used to present ITV’s Formula 1 coverage. So if you’re into the tedium of the Grand Prix and wildly exaggerated news reports about woke bastards stopping you celebrating the bombing of Dresden or whatever, Bev’s a hot date. She’s also the last of the cuties, so now it’s time to have sex with…

Laurence Fox 

As a former actor Laurence does have vestigial good looks, but his increasingly undead appearance suggests his obsession with anti-anti-racism and Sadiq Khan is draining his life force. Avoid vigorous sex with Loz in case he crumbles into dust like Dracula. Although it shouldn’t be too hard to curb your sexual attraction.

Dan Wootton

Dan gets a boost in the rankings because unlike the other dregs he has an actual, if worthless, career as a showbiz journalist. He’s also fairly normal-looking in a ‘gym wanker’ sort of way. However given his total obsession with (and apparent hatred for) Meghan Markle, you get the feeling he might be into some pretty unsavoury sex games involving you in a dark wig.

Emily Carver 

Works for the right-wing thinktank the Institute of Economic Affairs. Probably has some great pillow talk if you’re into radical free market ideas like sending children down uranium mines.

Neil Oliver

Was pretty popular on Coast, but the conspiracy rabbit hole beckoned. Not a DILF hottie but pretty inoffensive, the drawback to shagging Neil is that you couldn’t introduce him to your friends. Sane people find it hard to believe anyone thinks a SPECTRE-like organisation is controlling world events, so they assume ‘the Illuminati’ is code for ‘Jews’. As soon as Neil opens his mouth you’ll never be invited to the pub, a party or a wedding again. 

Nana Akua 

On the GB News website Nana seems genuinely thrilled to be hanging out with twats like Lee Anderson. No bad thing in itself – what could be more attractive in bed than a woman with pitifully low expectations?

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Apart from his irksome pomposity, sex with Rees-Mogg feels somehow unnatural, like doing it with a ghost, or a corpse. The 19th century cosplay is all bollocks of course, but with the frequently top-hatted Rees-Mogg, thoughts of Jack the Ripper would never be far away.

Camilla Tominey 

One of those Telegraph columnists who inverts reality in their own right-wing parallel universe, recently claiming ‘Britain’s only growth areas are entitlement and laziness’. To whom was she referring? Boris Johnson, maybe? Benefits claimants? No. Just Stop Oil. Er, what? She’s probably equally confusing in bed: ‘That’s the sort of pathetic orgasm I’d expect from a mung bean-eating Marxist transgenderist!’ SHUT UP! NOTHING YOU SAY MAKES SENSE!

Eamonn Holmes

Eamonn hasn’t done himself any favours with his sour grapes-fuelled mini-vendetta against Phillip Schofield, gormlessly forgetting all those pictures of him being pally with the vile predator. Sexually, it’s off-putting for even the most committed celebrity chubby chaser.

Calvin Robinson 

Pseudo-vicar who was rejected by the Church of England due to his batshit libertarianism and Covid denial. He’s actually a member of the Free Church of England, whose tiny congregation is presumably due to them all dying of coronavirus. Shagging may be off the table as he appears not to believe in sex before marriage. Which is a f**king blessing.

Nigel Farage

Sorry, Nige, you’re bottom of the shag list. It’s the combination of lies, egomania, racism, bullshit, hypocrisy, rudeness, fascist sympathies and looking like an evil frog. So nothing personal.