A guide to hanging out with your partner's extremely attractive friend

ONE of the great joys of sharing your life with another is sharing their friendships, but when their friend is smokin’ hot it can cause difficulties. Follow these rules: 

Keep your distance

Be cordial and polite to the hot friend, but try not to make eye contact because if you do you may never break it. Avoid discussing their personal life because your heart will melt and you’ll gather them into your arms when you hear of any hardship they’ve suffered, like that one time they were overdrawn.

Focus on their faults

What annoying habits do they have? Picking their nose? Mispronouncing ‘touché’? Having no understanding of anyone’s problems because everything in their life comes easily to them because they’re so beautiful? Any of these can kill a crush on the spot.

Assume they know

Imagining your massive crush is a secret is a mistake, because when the hot one casually mentions they know you find them attractive you’ll blush and jump to the conclusion they’ve noticed because they feel the same way about you. They don’t. They just expect everyone to find them attractive.

Your partner also knows

Your partner is perfectly aware their friend is drop-dead gorgeous. Or course they do. They’ve probably humiliated themselves attempting to get it on with them at least once. Don’t think your heart-eye-emoji face is going unnoticed.

Don’t joke about threesomes and/or polyamory

At least not after you’ve tested the ground once.

Sleep with them

If none of the above works, simply have sex with the hot friend. Their total disinterest in you afterwards as they talk vacuously about their career will turn your lust to hate.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man on hold for 20 minutes locked into high-stakes game of chicken

A MAN who has been on hold for 20 minutes knows he has no choice now but to see the call through to the bitter end.

Stephen Malley of Kidsgrove recognises that he should have quit his call to the local council five minutes in, when he still had his pride left, but the window has now well and truly closed and he cannot back down.

He said: “Oh yeah, they’d love me to hang up now. They’d just love it. Well guess again.

“If I was going to give up I should’ve done so when Greensleeves started for the fifth time or maybe when it stopped and I got a ring tone only to go back on hold again.

“But I’m in this for the long haul now, even if it means making significant and damaging changes to my lifestyle to accommodate having my phone to my ear.

“They’re counting on me giving up. That’s what they’re waiting for, me to crack. They know nobody makes it past half-an-hour. But they won’t break me.”

Customer service agent Susan Traherne said: “I’ll just tell him the answer’s on our website and hang up. You can’t work in this job without becoming a sadist.”