A mum's guide to being offended by your family

MUMS have a unique right to be pissed off with their family for any reason. Here is a mother’s guide to having issues with your relatives.

Ask far too much of them

Do you need your whole house wallpapered, or to be picked up from a train station 80 miles away? Favours are what family is for, and the more unreasonable requests you make of relatives, the more they will be able to disappoint you by saying no.

Or ask for nothing 

A simple way to be able to carry years of resentment towards your loved ones is to make no requests of them ever, but still feel sad and put out when nobody spontaneously offers to come over or help you in any way.

Simplify family disagreements by dividing people into sides

Any family conflicts can be dealt with by putting people into teams. You can harbour ill-feeling towards people not on your side, whilst those who are will fall short of your overly high expectations of loyalty, thereby allowing more resentment to blossom.

Do not acknowledge any offence taken for six months

The best time to bring up a problem with something someone did or said is six months after the event. This way they will be completely unprepared and also very confused, allowing you to remain offended for another decade at least.

Assure your relatives you won’t be offended

When looking to be offended by your family, make it clear to them that you won’t be offended by anything they say or do. This way, no one will expect you to be upset and so will not check in with you, which will give you even more grounds to be offended.

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Middle class woman refusing to give Ocado driver five stars because he said 'ain't'

A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.

Helen Archer is diligent about providing feedback regarding the service she receives from Ocado, which she has always found to be ‘delightful considering the lives these people must lead’.

Archer said: “When I expressed my dismay at being allocated spelt and rye bread instead of spelt and sunflower, the driver said it ‘ain’t a problem’ for him to take back substitutions.

“Everything else was fine, but I don’t think it’s helpful to Ocado if I let this sort of thing slide. Not to mention that my children heard everything.

“I’m happy for them to be exposed to different dialects within reason, but a blatant grammatical contraction being spoken without shame on my own doorstep is too much. So, no, Keith will not be getting five-star feedback.

“The worst bit was that when I pointed out he had said a word that doesn’t actually exist he just smiled, thanked me and walked back to his van. I suppose some people just don’t want to succeed in life.”