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Baby gets applauded for f**k all, thinks father

A FATHER has confessed he thinks the praise and attention his infant son receives is a bit over the top, considering he doesn’t do much.

James Bates began to feel skeptical when his mother-in-law first met baby Oliver shortly after his birth and called him a ‘brave boy’, without once commenting on how well James had coped with his hangover during the 13-hour delivery.

Bates said: “I like the kid, but we need to keep things in proportion. Apparently his first word was ‘cat’. It sounded more like ‘gah’ to me, but everyone went f**king mental telling him how clever he was.

“On the same day I got two questions right on University Challenge without so much as a ‘well done’. And, objectively, which of those achievements is more impressive?

“My wife accused me of being jealous, which is ridiculous. I just want to set realistic expectations for the lad. We shouldn’t clap when he messily shoves bolognese into his mouth with his fist, because all I get for not using a fork is shouted at.”

Asked if he felt the same when his dog Mitzi gets similarly exaggerated praise, Turner said: “Are you kidding me? Have you seen that girl sit? It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

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