Be prepared to meet weirdos: The middle-aged guide to dating

ARE you a middle-aged singleton unused to the terrifying new world of online dating? Here’s how to minimise the trauma.

Remember online dating is not Amazon
Sadly you can’t just pick your favourite one, like when you’re buying a Magimix or a Flymo. Be realistic – that 20-year-old fitness instructor is not going to be interested, however much it would piss off your ex.

Get back into shape
Chances are you’ve let yourself go a bit, so hit the gym. But don’t get obsessed with it and develop ‘middle-aged exercise scrawniness’. This is when you’ve burnt off every last gram of fat and look as if you’re 200 years old, not 43.

Remember you can’t just get shitfaced like when you were 20
It’s likely most of your youthful relationships began by getting drunk and ending up in a tongue-joust. It’s ridiculous, but grown-up dates will insist on going for a meal instead of just necking a bottle of Thunderbird and wanking you off.

Be prepared to meet weirdos
It’s a cliche, but fully expect to meet people who’ve posted a picture from 15 years ago – or possibly of someone else. Arrange dates somewhere cheap, because you’ll have bought a lot of drinks before you meet someone who isn’t weird in some way, eg. closet religious maniac, collector of stuffed weasels, lives in a tent, etc.

Stay within your age bracket
Conversation can be difficult if a younger person is confused by your dated cultural references. And who wants to go out with someone who doesn’t laugh at hilarious comments like “Hey, remember Mr Noseybonk?”

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Extreme weather ordered to stay in regions

EXTREME weather events have been ordered to concentrate on Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland where they do not mind because they are used to it. 

Following Storm Ciara and Storm Dennis’s incursions into rural England where decent people live, the government has instructed all futher storms to restrict their effects to the UK’s lesser countries. 

Environment secretary George Eustice said: “Look at the maps. Ireland, Wales and Scotland only exist to get between England and the Atlantic Ocean. 

“Wales is essentially a series of cloud-catching mountain ranges with handy gutters to deliver water to the sea and if some of those are inhabited, that’s their lookout. 

“And the Scots surely realise that they’re metaphorically the bit on the front of the snowplough, clearing the way for the busy people. Why fight it?

“All future storms must exhaust themselves on those people of the regions and leave England out of it. And yes, even the North. We like them now.”