Saturday, 4th April 2020

Be prepared to meet weirdos: The middle-aged guide to dating

ARE you a middle-aged singleton unused to the terrifying new world of online dating? Here’s how to minimise the trauma.

Remember online dating is not Amazon
Sadly you can’t just pick your favourite one, like when you’re buying a Magimix or a Flymo. Be realistic – that 20-year-old fitness instructor is not going to be interested, however much it would p*ss off your ex.

Get back into shape
Chances are you’ve let yourself go a bit, so hit the gym. But don’t get obsessed with it and develop ‘middle-aged exercise scrawniness’. This is when you’ve burnt off every last gram of fat and look as if you’re 200 years-old, not 43.

Remember you can’t just get sh*tfaced like when you were 20
It’s likely most of your youthful relationships began by getting drunk and ending up in a tongue-joust. It’s ridiculous, but grown-up dates will insist on going for a meal instead of just necking a bottle of Thunderbird and w*nking you off.

Be prepared to meet weirdos
It’s a cliche, but fully expect to meet people who’ve posted a picture from 15 years ago – or possibly of someone else. Arrange dates somewhere cheap, because you’ll have bought a lot of drinks before you meet someone who isn’t weird in some way, eg. closet religious maniac, collector of stuffed weasels, lives in a tent, etc.

Stay within your age bracket
Conversation can be difficult if a younger person is confused by your dated cultural references. And who wants to go out with someone who doesn’t laugh at hilarious comments like “Hey, remember Mr Noseybonk?”.